Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: May Movie Roundup

Dark Shadows: a thinly veiled excuse for Johnny Depp to wear makeup and dress as an androgynous dim wit and sing a few songs. Basically watch every movie he's ever been in, subtract depth, and you have this movie. 


God Bless America: it cost $100 million to make yet still manages to look like a cheap Mitt Romney SuperPAC stunt. The God blessing America in this movie is Voltron, Mormon God of the Kingdom of Isidor. Voltron has a bone to pick with Protestant Jesus and Catholic Jesus. "They're not muscular enough," Voltron is once heard saying. So Voltron builds a Stalin-era styled temple in Salt Lake City and builds Muscular Jesus (aka Mormon Jesus). The Heavens open up and Mastador, Mormon God of the Kingdom of Earth, grants Voltron Godship over Earth and Voltron blesses America specifically because the number of white people in it. He blesses Mitt Romney as his eternal prophet, second only to Gorzon - Voltron's only son. The movie ends with Muscular Mitt Romney breaking the chains of slavery, flexing and screaming, "VOTE FOR ME!" It's harder to understand than Jesus in gym doing kegel exercises.  

Lilly, the world's next Dakota Fanning.

Tonight You're Mine: a love story about a man and his pet chihuahua with a backdrop of Scotland's music festival which is most famous for nobody knowing its significance. The title line is delivered by the man when he sees the chihuahua sniffing an asshole that wasn't his. In the age of 50 Shades of Grey, men who are dominant and controlling assholes with sexual quirks ranging from BDSM to bestiality (this movie) are now considered deep and romantic. Bring your Kleenex and tone up those kegels!

The Cup: a riveting documentary by world acclaimed director Ron Howard about the cup after his starring role in 2 Girls 1 Cup. This movie is shitty. 

A Bag of Hammers: dumber than

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