Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Democratic party begs for money

Barack Obama prides himself on donations less than $25 or whatever but I need to find out who these people are. I want to know at what income bracket impels you to donate $25.

I can't even donate $2.50 yet the DNC and its many tentacles are calling me everyday at the world's most awkward hours asking me to help.

Rick Santorum, left, and Hillary Clinton, right, posing at a coffee shop and anxiously awaiting their steak paid for by you, the Republican National Committee. 

It's like my alma mater begging for money. They can't take no for an answer. There's no magic bullet. I don't want to be rude and say, "FFFFFFFFFFFFUCK YOU" in the slowest, most dramatic way possible but I really want to be rude and say, "FFFFFFFFFFUCK YOU" in the slowest, most dramatic way possible.

Once I promised to donate when I'm no longer poor and they offered to send me an envelope to send back money when that happened as if it would happen in the next three to five days. So I told them I found this cell phone, likely a burner a la the television series the Wire, and I lived in the sewer being trained in karate or kung fu by a large talking rat named Splinter.

"You don't know if it's karate or kung fu?" the donation seeker implored.

"It could be taekwando for all I know."

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Movies You Don't Want to See Reviewed by Somebody Who Didn't See Them: Oscar Nom Noms

Hello, world.

I will review the Oscar nominated movies for best picture here.

The Artist: It's like watching paint dry because this movie is literally about a mute artist who paints something and then watches the paint dry because he is so depressed he can't bother to get out of his house and into the outside world. That all changes when the fabric of reality is revealed to be fabric softener and he comes down with a bad case of being allergic to the fabric of reality. He dies.

The Descendants: A biography about a band everyone pretends to like but nobody really likes. As is the case with this movie. I heard George Clooney on NPR (PRETENTIOUSNESS ALERT!) and he sounded like a total asshole. He literally said, "I can ride my motorcycle to the most desolate mountain top in Sweden and go to the most abandoned cafe and within 15 minutes there will be people taking my picture and the media will be there." Way to pat yourself on the back. Anyways, George Clooney makes a terrible nerd rocker and he dies anyways.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close: I wish I could be the type of person that says, "I liked it but the book was much better," but I read the back of the book and thought it sounded horrible. If I wanted to read about an alien invasion of human-colonized Venus, I'd read The Chosen by Chaim Potok thank you very much. The protagonist dies.

The Help: I feel like this movie should have cast Julia Roberts because she's the go-to for movies in which white women save the world for black people. White people just can't enjoy movies about black people unless they're written by white people or cast white people in a loving way. Sure, there'll be a white villain but that will be juxtaposed by a willing black collaborator. It just didn't make sense that they killed Abraham Lincoln in the end and then Abe's ghost woke up and killed the main character.

Don't be scared, we're going to bleach your hair blonde so everyone will love you. 

Hugo: I fell asleep during the trailer for this one and dreamed it was about Thanksgiving Dinner that the protagonist lovingly called, "Hugo!" because he was dyslexic and couldn't spell anyways and was trying to say, "Horrendous!" before he had a heart attack and died.

Midnight in Paris: This is one of those films where the title is completely misleading except for one word. In this case, the only accurate word is "in" and I still can't figure out "in" what universe this movie is considered good.

Moneyball: Brad Pitt bets his balls that American money will be backed by gold when Ron Paul's beady eyes take over the universe. Brad Pitt ends up betting a whole lot more because he only has four hours to live which is how long this movie was and it was unbearable.

The Tree of Life: Halfway through this movie a dinosaur does something ridiculous and you wonder just what you're doing with your life for every minute past that because the movie lost all legitimacy with that damn raptor.

War Horse: Let's combine everybody's favorite subjects: war and horses. This is just a clever play on words though. It's about a war time whore who rides a horse. The horse dies of a Nazi curse and she dies of heartbreak.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

My alma mater begs for money

Yesterday I got a call from an area code I never get calls from anymore. I answered it cautiously.

"Hi this is Blah Blah Kim from the College Alumni Fund--"

"I don't have any money."

"Judging by the way you answered, you know we're asking for money. Due to budget cuts--"

"Seriously, if I had a nickel to spare I would throw it your way but I don't so I can't donate."

"Well, it would be a way to show appreciation to your school to donate a litt-"

"I really don't have any money. Like none. Maybe when I get some money I'll donate to you but I don't foresee making any for at least another 20 years so if you want to call me back in 20 years maybe my answer will change. If things change sooner than that I will call you."

Basically what I do for a living. 

She hung up midway through my explanation.

She wouldn't take no for an answer. Why would I donate in appreciation to a degree that is currently getting me nowhere? That was the most insulting part. Granted, the only people that call asking for money are current students. She's still full of "dreams," "hopes," and "aspirations." Maybe by the time she graduates those things will exist again but they sure as hell disappeared in 2008 and haven't made their return yet so I'll just chalk her insistence to college aged ignorance.

Happy Thursday.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Folks, a contest is coming and other farts

Are there enough readers of the Cheesepaper to warrant a contest? Yes.

Is this a silly gimmick to gain more readers even if for only a few days? Yes.

There will be a flash fiction contest coming shortly with an actual physical prize that will be mailed or hand delivered depending on where you live. The winner will also be posted on this site so you can brag to your friends that you won some meaningless contest on the internet. But hey, at least there will be a prize.

This post is merely an announcement of an upcoming announcement.

I typed in "funky face foot" into the google machine and I got a funky face foot back. Miraculous. 

In other news, there will be a debate tonight for the remaining GOP contenders. Santorum will leak, Mitt Romney will recite, Paul will get confused but no one will say anything because that's a conspiracy, and Gingrich will fart and then his eyes will dart from side to side waiting for somebody to notice so he could blame the media for focusing on distractions when blaming the media is a brilliant distraction from everything important. 

You can also bet Sarah Palin will compose at least ten 300 word sentences on Fox News tonight in defense of whatever crazy shit Gingrich or Santorum say. She will also say lamestream media ten times. She's like that friend that said something funny once 3 years ago and just can't let it go. It's not funny anymore. It's not even tolerable. I'm not sure it ever was.

And for everyone who isn't in the "know," Tupac Shakur aka 2pac aka Makaveli aka Black Elvis is still alive and buying Twinkies: 

Don't say you never saw some real shit here. Because you did. You did. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

Is it President's Day or what the fuck?

Is this a day of celebration? What does one celebrate on President's Day?

Sure, the mail doesn't come but who doesn't just throw that shit out right when they get it? I'm behind on all my bills just because I don't open my birthday cards filled with money and leprechauns that fart money.

But I digress. Let's celebrate presidents.

George Washington was born from a virgin and had a genetic defect that gave him wooden teeth but also made his case of genital herpes flare up whenever he told a lie. So he stopped telling lies at the age of 4. The damage to his penis was so great by that time that his doctor told his parents he would never have children. Instead of having children, George bought up a bunch of slaves and took them as his own. He beat them mercilessly, made them work 18 hour days, and didn't pay them or say happy birthday to them just as he would have his own children. He died cold and alone because years before his death, his wife Martha was revealed to be a giant space slug and was transported back to her home planet. His children (slaves) only showed up to the funeral to find out who inherited them in George's will.

Thomas Jefferson had a terrible case of wearing women's nylons and high heels. He liked to tear holes in them and prance around the White House lawn singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart.

Yes, we do. 

Howard Taft was addicted to Slim Jims, Monster Energy drinks, and destroying every toilet he ever sat on. He promised his friends that he'd lose weight but he was more just telling them, "I know I have a problem but I am mentally incapable of overcoming my addictions so really, fuck off."

Ronald Reagan found himself in the White House on accident. He was just wandering around searching for his keys, stumbled into the GOP primary and they elected him! Known as the luckiest case of senility, Ronald Reagan went on to threaten the entire world with nuclear apocalypse only to invite them later to play a game of Pictionary. Gorbachev always let Reagan win because Reagan got absolutely fucking nuts whenever he and his wife lost. His wife would also apologize profusely for not recognizing his squiggly drawings for the masterpieces they were.

Barack Obama is currently looking into the mirror thanking God that Santorum hates women and Romney is the most insincere human being on the planet. His renovations to the White House, making it one giant bounce house, will likely be concealed for another four years.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Eisenhower, aliens, and the grand hot dog eating competition

America's got a good little thing going on here, you know?

We tell the world what we want, when we want it, but never why we want it and we pretty much get it. Iran is building one nuke (allegedly) and America's about to pop a hemorrhoid over it. We're all, "We're going to NUKE you if you build a nuke that could cause harm to people."

We're totally in the right on that one.

Don't get me wrong, nukes suck. Why can't we have hot dog eating competitions whenever we get into disagreements? It seems like America and her allies always win those types of things. Probably on account of we can afford to waste food on one human being like that.

Luckily for the USA, we've got tons of the damn things and one little nuke ain't going to bother us.

You know what else the USA has going for it? I'll tell you what... extraterrestrials visit our leaders.

Seriously, no joke. 

Aliens met with President Eisenhower at least 3 times that super secret documents only conspiracy theorists know about reveal. President Eisenhower also had a few secret rendezvouses with them at a drive in theater but that's neither here nor there. It just is.

We are building a rapport with these gray skinned weirdos. Good luck with that, China.

Large forehead, beady eyes... holy shit. 

I propose that the next time an alien visits an American leader, we should invite our enemies to the White House. We could manufacture a story about how the alien threat is out to destroy the earth. The aliens would be down for that kind of ruse because they love America. A whole new world religion could be born and instead of pointing nukes at each other, we could just throw hot dogs into each other's mouths. We'll all get a good laugh out of it and whoever wins gets to choose the condiments. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Things to do on Valentine's Day:

1. Look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize your reflection. You're cold and alone and the pimples on your chest won't pop themselves.

2. Watch romantic comedies but you don't understand why they're called "comedies" because all romance to you is a tragedy.

3. Go to the grocery store and buy a bouquet of flowers and a heart shaped box. The teenaged cashier will look at you in befuddlement. Sweatpants and huaraches do not a married man make. You will give him hope. He doesn't have to know that you really just like chocolates and flowers as complements to a rerun of Maury. 

4. Cook some ramen. Season it with tears. 

5. Sales of Kleenex are on the rise today. Buy an off brand to do something nice for the sweatshop slaves who make them. 

6. Read blogs for a couple of hours then open up a Google Chrome incognito window and do what you really aimed to do. 

7. Love yourself. (Genesis 38:8-10)

8. Get reservations at an expensive restaurant but skip out on them and buy a 20 piece chicken McNugget meal for yourself instead.

9. Plan to call your mom on February 15. The only woman in the world who loves you and you can't even wish her a happy Valentine's Day. 

10. Fall asleep watching Married With Children reruns.

11. Read this

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Konnichiwa Bitches

I can't sleep...

Maybe it's because I've been on the drugs for the last three weekends.

Maybe it's because I'm sleeping among discarded clothing, cigarette ashes,and assorted accumulated filth on our Vegas hotel room floor.

Maybe it's because I've decided to change the direction of my life for the first time in the last six years.

Yeah... I'm probably up because of all the ecstasy and booze, but I'm definitely writing this because I'll be off on a magical journey that doesn't require drugs to seem surreal.


At 25, any Baby Boomer/ Gen X parent expects their child to already have found themselves a career and permanently entered the workforce; However, as a fellow Gen Y I can't say that that's the case. I've spent the last six years dedicating myself to a profession/craft/what-have-you to something I could care less about and now I've finally decided to make a change.


Yes, a sheltered little southern California suburbanite is packing his bags to return to the Motherland.

With that said, I've been asked by my fellow comrade in arms, Vladmir, to contribute my musings, findings, and outright Japanese insanity whilst trying to survive the Land of the Rising Sun.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Frankenstein 2010 ebook officially released

Hey, do you have 99 cents just waiting to get spent?

What can you buy for a buck anyways? You can't even get a candy bar for less than a dollar these days.

Pick up our first release in the 99 cent Quickie Series: Frankenstein 2010 by Andrew Hilbert and Jack Arambula.


Friday, February 3, 2012

Unemployment down

Obama is getting his groove on. Unemployment's down.

What does this mean? Well, this means Mitt Romney can take credit for the policies he inherits if he becomes president just like Romney blames Obama for the economy Bam-Bam inherited. 

Regardless, let's not get all banerners on this. Let's hope unemployment edges down more because I have a college degree and I'm still too excited for the 35 cents a year Google's paying me to spray my website with advertisements.

Click some god damned ads, will you? Google is spying on you to tailor them to your interests and I, for one, think that that's awesome. I was in dire need of vaginal cream for my penis. 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Wherein I examine laughter on the internet

LOL is internet for "Laughing Out Loud" a.k.a. a fucking lie. 

Anyone who uses "LOL" is either:

a) A middle aged person somehow stuck in late 90s teenager talk thinking it's still relevant

b) Someone who said this in their teens in the late 90s/early 00s and is now being ironic

c) Someone who can't think of any way to answer whatever the hell stupid thing you just said

It is never actually someone laughing out loud.

I use "ha." when I want to be an asshole and show how unfunny whatever attempt at being funny you just said.

I use "haha" when I want to recognize something as being technically funny but not inciting the required reaction to something being funny. This is more a kind of, "I recognize you are trying to be funny, I believe that it is funny but not funny enough for me to even internally chuckle."

I use "hahaha" when something is actually funny and I am chuckling internally.

I use "hahahahahahaha" when I am actually laughing. This is rare.

I have also noticed people putting exclamation points at the end of their haha's. This is stupid. Isn't a hahaha an implied exclamation? If it was a quiet laugh, you should use "heh heh heh." But multiple ha's in a row require no punctuation. The exclamation is understood. 

Further, if you put a period at the end of a hahahaha you are implying that you only ha'd four times. This is insincere. A real laugh is uncountable. No one counts how many times they ha'd if it was over three times. And three times, typed, is merely an internal chuckle.

Get this fucking shit right, people.