Sunday, February 26, 2012

Movies You Don't Want to See Reviewed by Somebody Who Didn't See Them: Oscar Nom Noms

Hello, world.

I will review the Oscar nominated movies for best picture here.

The Artist: It's like watching paint dry because this movie is literally about a mute artist who paints something and then watches the paint dry because he is so depressed he can't bother to get out of his house and into the outside world. That all changes when the fabric of reality is revealed to be fabric softener and he comes down with a bad case of being allergic to the fabric of reality. He dies.

The Descendants: A biography about a band everyone pretends to like but nobody really likes. As is the case with this movie. I heard George Clooney on NPR (PRETENTIOUSNESS ALERT!) and he sounded like a total asshole. He literally said, "I can ride my motorcycle to the most desolate mountain top in Sweden and go to the most abandoned cafe and within 15 minutes there will be people taking my picture and the media will be there." Way to pat yourself on the back. Anyways, George Clooney makes a terrible nerd rocker and he dies anyways.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close: I wish I could be the type of person that says, "I liked it but the book was much better," but I read the back of the book and thought it sounded horrible. If I wanted to read about an alien invasion of human-colonized Venus, I'd read The Chosen by Chaim Potok thank you very much. The protagonist dies.

The Help: I feel like this movie should have cast Julia Roberts because she's the go-to for movies in which white women save the world for black people. White people just can't enjoy movies about black people unless they're written by white people or cast white people in a loving way. Sure, there'll be a white villain but that will be juxtaposed by a willing black collaborator. It just didn't make sense that they killed Abraham Lincoln in the end and then Abe's ghost woke up and killed the main character.

Don't be scared, we're going to bleach your hair blonde so everyone will love you. 

Hugo: I fell asleep during the trailer for this one and dreamed it was about Thanksgiving Dinner that the protagonist lovingly called, "Hugo!" because he was dyslexic and couldn't spell anyways and was trying to say, "Horrendous!" before he had a heart attack and died.

Midnight in Paris: This is one of those films where the title is completely misleading except for one word. In this case, the only accurate word is "in" and I still can't figure out "in" what universe this movie is considered good.

Moneyball: Brad Pitt bets his balls that American money will be backed by gold when Ron Paul's beady eyes take over the universe. Brad Pitt ends up betting a whole lot more because he only has four hours to live which is how long this movie was and it was unbearable.

The Tree of Life: Halfway through this movie a dinosaur does something ridiculous and you wonder just what you're doing with your life for every minute past that because the movie lost all legitimacy with that damn raptor.

War Horse: Let's combine everybody's favorite subjects: war and horses. This is just a clever play on words though. It's about a war time whore who rides a horse. The horse dies of a Nazi curse and she dies of heartbreak.

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