Friday, April 20, 2012

Oh, no! Zimmerman got roughed up!

I'm sick of the media and the cry baby case of Martin Zimmerman.

He had a bloody head when he initiated a conflict with an innocent boy. The boy is dead, Zimmerman is not. Zimmerman has no stand your ground case.

If some creep followed me in a car, got out of his car and confronted me my first thoughts would be, "Run like hell, this guy wants to rape/kill me" and, "If he gets any closer, I'm going to have to deck him." Trayvon Martin acted in self defense. No scrape on Martin Zimmerman's body comes close to a life ending gun shot.

I'm sorry your head got banged up, Zimmerman. They have great healthcare in prisons. You can get a taxpayer funded $1000 bandage there. When you get out of prison, you can run for office and, if elected, get great healthcare there too.

When you see something suspicious, call the police and listen to them when they say not to get out of your car. This situation was the exact situation they wanted to avoid.

Stay in your fucking car, go home and play video games, and don't kill people.

Friday, April 13, 2012

So long, Santorum

Santorum bowed out of the GOP race a few days ago which means GOP voters are stuck with Mannequin-Man Mitt Romney.

Santorum is on the opposite end of my political ideology yet I couldn't help but root for him in the GOP primary. There was a morbid joy out of watching the Republican party eat itself from the asshole out. But there was something else, too.

Rick Santorum's views on many things were deplorable to me but he was definable. Mitt Romney was not. When it came to blasting Rush Limbaugh for calling a woman a slut, Santorum had the most strongly worded response to Rush and that was calling him "absurd." Romney just said, "I wouldn't have used that language," which in my world means, "Yeah, he said the right things just not in the right way." Dissing Rush Limbaugh in the Republican party is like calling Jesus a monkey-descended messiah.

But the one thing I admired Rick Santorum's rise most for was that he was the candidate with no money and with no chance. He rose and he surprised everybody. He was beating Mega Millionaire Mannequin-Man Mitt fair and square on a shoe string budget. He was winning the old fashioned way: stumping for votes and getting them. Whether or not you're on the same side of his politics (I definitely am not), that has to give you some kind hope that our democracy can still function even in the avalanche of corporate money being flooded into our elections.

You were a hardworking candidate, Rick Frothystuff. I toast you for that. Mannequin-Man Mitt now will have his handlers put on brand new clothes and a brand new face for him and will forget you ever existed. And most voters will forget HE ever existed in his GOP primary form.

So long, Santorum.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Operation Offend Arizona: Andrew Thomas edition

Andrew Thomas, right hand man to Sheriff Joe Arpaio's left handed masturbation habits, has been disbarred for breaking rules and the usual haberdashery from young upstarts willing to sell their souls to prop up the men who use their souls for kitty litter.

The three-member panel found that former County Attorney Andrew Thomas violated the professional rules of conduct for lawyers in bringing criminal charges against two county officials and a judge in December 2009. 
All three cases were dismissed after a judge ruled that Thomas prosecuted one of the officials for political gain and had a conflict of interest in pressing the case. Other county officials and judges who were at odds with Thomas and his top ally, Sheriff Joe Arpaio, in disputes also were investigated by the pair, but weren't charged with crimes. 
Lawyers pressing the case against Thomas said officials, judges and attorneys who crossed Thomas and Arpaio in disputes were often targeted for investigations.
Thomas and Arpaio contended they were trying to root out corruption in county government, while the targets of the prosecutions said the cases were trumped up.

Let's do some profiling - Arizona style.

This guy is harboring some secrets but he's got on a tie and a suit jacket, has a haircut straight out of Men's Wearhouse commercial, and a smile that says he brushes his teeth twelve times a day so let's not arrest him. That's reserved for people with last names that end with "o" or "a" or "z."

Look at those soulless eyes, Jesus Christ. 

Congratulations, Andrew Thomas!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Search terms from last week

Hey everybody searching for fat guys! This week's search term report is below and woo-boy, is it fascinating!

Everyone's here for the fat guys. 

Operation Offend Arizona: From the comments, Easter edition

Today we remember a glorious rabbit who was risen from the dead and laid hard boiled eggs for children all over the world.

Two anonymous comments. One challenged me to make a "From the comments post" on his comment that simply challenged me to do so.

I'd like to see you try to make a post off of this comment.
So here it is: Done.

The other, in its entirety:

The foul mouthness of this piece has offended me or has led me to believe that I have been offended. I can’t pin point where this is coming from. At first I blamed it on the vulgar language and excessive reference to dicks. My daily run in with shit for brain adolescents has taken the pleasure out of raunchy humor. Like the Arizona wall I try to prevent them from leaking their vulgarity out, but somehow their genetic make up allows them to be stealthy little fuckers…
This is a man who cannot make up his mind. Whether he has been offended or led to believe he was offended is something like a ping pong ball bouncing around in his head and he struggles to roll his eyes back far enough to watch it as it bounces. He can't pin point his anger but at first it was the vulgar language and penis talk. I'm willing to bet it's because he's rolling his eyes too far back into his head. I believe he is comparing me to an adolescent and he just can't find any humor in anything they might find funny. He prides himself on building a wall much like Arizona's wet dream to keep childrens' vulgarity from leaking out but somehow those stealthy little fuckers keep pissing on him.

The problem is that the Arizona government deserves nothing but vulgarity. Our goal is to offend them and offend them good. I heard their late night legislative sessions end in circle jerks. They fill up a milk carton and then drink it at the end of the month as a way to feed their inner demons. It's just what I heard.

Sheriff Joe Arpaio is too busy hiding swastika tattoos underneath his skin flaps to join in but he has been known to say that it sounds like a fine tradition.

Governor Jan Brewer, she's a nice person, signs her laws with screaming children before she sacrifices them to some Satanic deity.

The Dodgers have spring training in Arizona. My favorite baseball team in a state that is intent on arresting all of them and asking for birth certificates. Such a goddamn shame.

Sorry Strawberry. 

Happy Easter!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Operation Offend Arizona: Vic Williams edition

If State Rep. Vic Williams wasn't making the, "Oh, fuck I farted," face in this photo he would easily win the most uninteresting face to make fun of award. 

Vic Williams is the sponsor of HB 2549. 

He farts often. He sharts less often. He poops once a day. A good, clean, firm stool. The kind who's smell wafts slowly up to your nose before you realize you've probably had too many Clif bars. 

God Bless You, Vic Williams. You have the name of a covert operations assassin but the face of a child molester. 

Friday, April 6, 2012

Operation Offend Arizona: Day 4, from the comments

Hey, Arizona. If the Grand Canyon could quit you, it would. You don't treat it like you used to. It wants greener pastures. It wants to go places like Rhode Island, Delaware, hell... even Idaho. Anywhere but Arizona. You're just out of step with even the Deep South. It's insane. You're in the Southwest. You're supposed to be a little more "free." Soon you'll turn the Grand Canyon into one big prison camp. California wants to turn it into a bounce house. Utah wants to turn it into a religious landmark. Iowa wants to turn it into a bath house. These are all viable options for the Grand Canyon.

No lie. No fucking lie, Arizona. I got this postcard FROM the Grand Canyon today. 

And, hey, quit wasting our fucking water! Buy some plastic grass, you don't need to water that shit guys. Seriously. You've been wasting America's water since 1912, y'know? It's time to get a grip on reality. 

It's not like you're using the water to re-hydrate Governor Jan Brewer's face (she needs it), so stop using it. Shit. Kirk D. Adams needs that water to clean his dick head every once in awhile. Dick heads sweat underneath helmets, I don't know if you knew that. Those would be good things to do with water. Not whatever you're doing with it right now. You're wasting it, man. 

Steve Pierce can also smash walls with his forehead. He uses the rubble to build his pet project, the Great Wall of Arizona but he keeps begging the US government for money to finish it. 

In other news, we'll be taking donations for the Bloodhound Gang's Steep Fine CD so that we can send it with love to Kirk D. Adams. I don't know why I'm singling out Kirk D. Adams. Maybe it's the dick head. He's just as likely a fine human being as he is not. He just happens to be a legislator in a state that I am trying to offend. Let's keep offending!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

A little break from offending Arizona

Check out Michael Ian Black at BookPeople in Austin, TX.

Fuck you, Arizona.

Operation Offend Arizona: Day 3

Every great state has a great burger chain.

With In-N-Out, California is a mecca of burger aficionados everywhere.

Whataburger provides the burger eater with the question, "What?! A burger! This is too good to be a burger!" in Texas.

Arizona only has:

A) Burger faces

 Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, noted burger face


B) Burger eating burger faces

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, noted burger eating burger face

This insult towards Jan Brewer is preemptive. She has yet to sign HB 2549.

In other news, the transcript of my email to Kirk D. Adams and his reply below!

Hello honorable and smelly Kirk D. Adams,

First of all I just wanted to tell you that I love your helmet. Second I wanted to tell you that I think the AZ House Bill 2549 is great! It's a great first step into a fascist state! But you've already taken first steps with those pesky minorities. So is Arizona a full fledged fascist member of these United States? You tell me. 

Anyways, in honor of House Bill 2549, I took it upon myself to point you in the direction of articles on the internet that personally offend and annoy me. Please check it out and let me know what can be done about these internet hooligans.


P.S. you can do something about that smell. Don't give up hope. 
And the honorable's reply:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Delivery to the following recipients failed.

Original-Recipient: rfc822;
Final-Recipient: rfc822;
Action: failed
Status: 5.1.1
Thanks, Kirk!

A hard helmet is recommended to protect the notoriously sensitive and fleshy dick head. Check out Kirk's awesome helmet!

Thanks to mark from the comments for letting me know the name of the CD with the fat man contorted inside of a box looking like he's ready to lick buttholes all night long. It was by the Bloodhound Gang and titled Hefty Fine. Fitting since we will be sending it to Dick Head McGee here or Hamburger Face Meat Brewer as a gift. Hope we don't get a hefty fine! Wink, wink.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Operation Offend Arizona, Day 2: From the comments

Arizona, we got a whole big fuckin' team here coming up with ways to offend you. We're taking shit from the comments and putting them here and forwarding you the link so that when you click on it you'll be offended.

Arizona, you make me sweat. And not in the good way.

I don't know exactly what that means but usually if I don't understand something, I start punching people. Kind of like you and Mexicans.

I typed in "fat guy sweating" and this is what came up. This man isn't sweating and if he was,  I think it would be in the "good way." On another note, if you can tell me what CD this is the cover of, we can buy it and send it to Jan Brewer herself. It's sure to offend. On yet another note, this is the longest fucking caption kind of like Arizona's real estate slump. Zing!

Steve Pierce, Arizona State Senate President whose duties include grimacing, scowling, and thinking of ways to terrify minorities.

Hey Steve. Interesting choice of outfit there. Did your mom press it for you? Did your mistress pick out your yellow tie? Get a grip, dude. You're in the southwest. Show your independence from the laws of rationality and wear one of these:

Alright, thanks for the two comments from the readers. We will continue to offend Arizona. Send us your offending ideas through the comments or twitter Marvin Fruchter while he shits at @WhileIShit .

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Operation Offend Arizona

Hey, everybody!

Did you hear about this?

Oh, stop it. We just gave Kirk D. Adams, Speaker of the House of Arizona, a helmet. A helmet to protect his dick head.

The Arizona legislature just passed a bill that is so broad and incorporates such loose language that anything that "offends" Arizona lawmakers on the internet can be censored and subject to punishment! The Arizona legislature has been on a crazy-bill passing binge lately.

So let's get offending! Starting today, every day we will post whatever offensive thing you have to say about Arizona and its government (provided it's not violent or threatening in nature).

How can I kick things off? What would offend Arizona so much that they may come find me and charge me money for offending them.

Oh, of course!

The United States Constitution.

That'll offend 'em!

The US Constitution, in its entirety

Seriously, send us stuff to offend Arizona with and we'll forward it to Arizona courtesy of the power of email.

M.A.; Moutbreathers Anonymous

Welcome welcome welcome.

Don't worry, all Westerners are welcome here.  Lets use this space to protect ourselves from the judgement of the Japanese.

A couple years back, I was at a party with a Japanese woman (first generation).  At some point in time this woman started getting upset.  She began to look for reasons to leave the party.  Shortly after, her frustration hit she left claiming that she, "couldn't handle being around all these mouthbreathers."

Bewildered, dumbfounded, and abjected, I allowed her to storm out without voicing my dejection; However, as our almighty lord Christ, the savior, would have it -- vengeance would be served.

As it turns out, the Japanese are the worst damn mouth breathers I've experienced to date and I've taken quite a few crowded subways throughout Europe and other major US cities.  No, no I haven't felt any Japanese breathing down my spine, but let me ask you how do you stench up a whole fucking sub to smell like a unbrushed mouth if you don't breath through your damn mouth?

Anyone find the tubesock I dropped?

With that said, "FUCK YOU Japanese woman from a couple years back." Good day, other Japanese people.

Editors note: If you missed the point it's actually that Japanese subs often reek of disgusting mouth smell.  I dread stepping into a train after you see a whole train full of people unload in front of you. Cheerio!