Thursday, December 20, 2012

The NRA, the 1st Amendment, and the 2nd Amendment

I'm not one of those people who doesn't acknowledge that the 2nd Amendment exists. It does, we live with it. The right to bear arms isn't a free-for-all, though.

I can't get anti-aircraft weapons. That's good. I can't get a bazooka. I can't get a tank. These are all reasonable restrictions.

The chatter right now is that the NRA is poised to blame video games and the entertainment industry for the violent culture they've created that's contributed to mass shootings.

This is ridiculous.

Just because the 20 year old man who killed innocent people played video games does not mean that video games are at fault. I can tell you right now that an Xbox controller makes a terrible weapon.

The 1st Amendment comes absolute first for a reason: it is the most important one to a successful democracy. The video game industry self polices itself quite fine, actually. I have a full beard and am obviously too old to be asked for ID before I buy a Mature rated video game but guess what? I get carded. In fact, I get carded more for purchasing a video game than I do for buying alcohol. Why is that? It's because the video game industry polices retailers and educates retailers about the rating system so that little kids can't easily buy a shoot 'em up.

Why can't the NRA look itself in the mirror and agree that similar restrictions should be applied to guns? Responsible gun ownership implies hoops to jump through. A video game is not a weapon. It is an artistic expression sold for pleasure. It's intent is to entertain. A gun's intent is to kill or destroy.

I've met many responsible gun owners. When I was in the Midwest, I went to a shooting range that was closed. The gentleman who manned the store told us that the first rule of a gun is, "Do not point it at something in which you do not intend to kill or destroy." That tells you right there the implied uses of a gun.

For the NRA to presumably come out swinging against the 1st Amendment as if it is an integral piece of the puzzle that causes mass shootings is a joke. Almost every person I know plays video games, reads violent pulp stories and novels, watches action movies with great enjoyment. None of these people are violent murderers.

The truth is that when guns are easily accessible to anyone, bad things happen. A video game has never been a weapon of mass murder. A gun has time and time again.

I do not advocate banning firearms outright but there are some common sense restrictions that, if you are a responsible gun owner, should be no skin off your back.

A waiting period. An extensive background check. Mandatory education about safety for guns. Banning the sale of automatic rifles. Limiting the number of bullets in a clip. These are all reasonable and still preserves the right to bear arms.

For all the hoo-ra-ra that comes out of the NRA, they are opposed to almost all of these and do little to advocate for firearms education. Instead of looking themselves in the mirror, it appears they are readying to blame video games and entertainment for the shooting. This is irresponsible.

America needs to look at its mental health policies and it needs to look at its gun policies and make some real changes but blaming freedom of speech and expression for murder? That's a bridge too far. If you're a responsible person, you would recognize that guns make murder a hell of a lot easier. Not only 'bad people' go out and commit crimes. Regular people snap and go crazy, too. It's time to stop scapegoating and start soul searching.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Violence, Tragedy, and Gun Control

The United States has been plagued with mass shootings this year and it's time to start talking about what is causing it. Our society cannot continue its self-destructive path.

Too many times, I've heard people say, "Gun control doesn't work because criminals will always have guns."

I suspect that today's shooter in Newtown, CT was not a 'criminal' and probably obtained his guns legally. Let's remember that the people who lost their lives today were not gang members killing each other. It was one man who decided to kill 20 children and 6 adults. They were not deserving of their deaths, they didn't join a life where dying by the gun is an acceptable end. They were going to school.

I live in a state (Texas) where anyone can get a gun in under an hour. This is unacceptable. There is a right to bear arms but that doesn't mean that we have to get them as soon as we want them. Responsible gun owners would be perfectly fine with regulation; that's part of what responsibility entails. If you want a gun, why shouldn't you have to wait for weeks or even months to be approved for purchase?

To drive, you have to go through months of training. There's no such federal law mandating that kind of training for driving but states know that cars are killing machines and long periods of training are necessary before handing out licenses. Guns should be treated the same way. There is no other reason for a gun but to kill or destroy. If you are protecting your house, that's fine. But let's call it what it is. You are in possession of a gun for protection and the means of that protection is to kill the intruder. It is a killing machine.

"Guns don't kill people, people kill people." I'm sick of that cliche. If the shooter had a knife rather than a gun, the scale of his massacre would be no where comparable.

You romantic revolutionaries, pretending that guns are necessary to protect against tyranny: You're wrong. You already have a weapon to protect against tyranny. In fact, you have many: peaceful assembly, freedom of speech, the right to vote, to name a few. What worked for rural colonies no longer works today. Your poster boy, Thomas Jefferson, even acknowledged that constitutions must change otherwise they impose their own tyrannies. The right to bear arms, unregulated, unchecked, is not compatible with our society. It worked when the threat of invasion from the British was real. It worked when people weren't packed like sardines into cities. It worked when not every city had its own armed police force. It worked when there was no national army. We have progressed past the point of that necessity. It is no longer valid.

When you say, "America has a violent history." You're right, but no more violent than any other country. The story of Europe is a story of violence and war, yet they do not have the same problems we do when it comes to citizens killing each other. Our past is no more nor no less violent than any other country. Our present is more violent than most. The madness needs to end.

There are a ton of people, their hearts pointed in the right direction, who waste energy protesting against war. It is any wonder why countries go to war? Just look at the societies they are built on. We are a violent people, we are full of rage, and we are full of pettiness and until we can start treating each other with respect and patience on a personal level, we will always have war on a global scale. We are tearing each other apart from the very bottom, how can we expect our leaders to be any different?

My thoughts are with all of the victims today and I hope that we can make a serious effort to limit the risks of having a government that believes the right to own a gun, unregulated, is greater than the right to live free of fear.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Out of the Gutter 8

Howdy folks.

Out of the Gutter has just released OUT OF THE GUTTER 8 and it features one of my flash stories, "Two Cowboys Settle A Dispute." You should check it out. Everything Out of the Gutter posts on their site is phenomenal pulp reading and I am honored to have been selected to be anthologized in print.

Click here to buy the paperback. 

Click here to buy the ebook.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Out of the Gutter 8

Get your Ebook version of Out of the Gutter 8 today!

My story, "Two Cowboys Settle A Dispute," is in it!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Christmas Shopping Part II (The shameless non-self promotion post)

Choice Cuts by Joe Clifford

Piggyback by Tom Pitts

The Zelaznog Criterion Collection by Cortin A. Zelaznog

The Early Death of Men by Clint Margrave

Strange Light by Derrick C. Brown

Who Farted Wrong?
by Syd Butler

Frankenstein 2010
by Andrew Hilbert

Of course I was going to self promote a little. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

The Circuit of the Americas and Oltorf

Welcome to Austin, TX to the disgustingly rich of the world! We beg on bloodied knees for your spending money so that we can build more condos to kick out poor people who have lived here their entire lives.

Tiniest Bar? You've been there for awhile but we're going to enforce the most ridiculous building codes on you so we can invite more New Yorkers and Californians to live in the comfort of a city that looks exactly like the cities they left. 

Have you heard of Irvine, CA? It is the pinnacle city made of concrete parking structures, office buildings, and ridiculous condos. I deem it the blandest city in America. You can't 'keep Austin weird' by Irvinizing it. You either move here because you appreciate the local culture or you move here to change it and drive up the prices of everything to chase all the undesirable working class out.

It took under 2 years to build the Circuit of the Americas racetrack. Oltorf construction has taken, what, 22 months? This is a road people that live here use every day. Once the racers and the rich of the world are done with their game, the race track won't be used for anything. It'll sit there in decline making no money on sales tax while Oltorf drivers pray a pot hole doesn't ruin their tires and bikers pray that they won't be run over by a rich European driving on the wrong side of the road. 

I'm a transplant myself. I don't have shame saying it. I've been in Texas for about 3 years but I don't think I came here to change the direction of the city. I don't have enough money to change the direction of the city and if I did have the money, I wouldn't. If I had enough money, I'd buy the nearest newly developed condo and tear it down.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The end of America

It took me two days to write this post because I've been passed out underneath a freeway drinking nothing but whiskey and unfiltered heroin because the United States of America is now totally fucked because they re-elected a dictator.

Ha. Just kidding. It took me two days to write this post because I've been partying with homeless people and welfare queens and trading my food stamps for drugs because the United States of America elected the guy who will "give me things" according to Bill O'Reilly.

Ha. Just kidding x2. It took me two days to write this post because I've been enjoying the deafening silence of Republicans too much to do anything else but look at Karl Rove's sweaty upper lip that I've affectionately named Defeat.

I wonder what Mitt Romney's up to right now.

Probably looking for a caffeine dealer.

Or, he's shopping with a considerably frown-ier smile. 

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Get out and fuckin' vote

Good morning, America.

Today is the only day that is important in your duty as an American citizen. You live in this country, you're given the right to express your political desire, and your voice fuckin' matters.

Fry your bacon, scramble your eggs, finish off your coffee, get into your car/on your bike/into the bus, and get to a goddamned polling station. Get a sticker that says you voted and put it on your shirt. Parade around town telling other people to vote and prepare for some serious partying or crying tonight.

This isn't football or basketball or baseball. This isn't some willy-nilly thing to do if the mood is right. It is an election and in a country where church and state don't mix, it is the only sacred duty you have.

I won't tell you how to vote but I will tell you how I voted: his name starts with a B and ends with arack Obama.

The first vote I ever cast was in the Democratic primary and it was for Howard Dean. Embarrassing? Maybe a little. My second presidential vote ever cast was for John Kerry and I'm grateful that I got to vote for him because he shot Obama out of obscurity and into the national scene. I remember watching Obama's speech at the DNC and thinking, "Holy crap." Then he ran against the Clinton machine and won. My house was a house divided. Half of the registered voters voted for Clinton and the other half (myself included) voted Obama.

There are many things about Obama that unnerve me but there's a whole lot more that make me immensely proud. Barack Obama has proven that he is a steady and capable leader and he definitely deserves four more years.

I've said this many times but I will say it again. Romney is an Etch-a-Sketch toy. His people have said it themselves. I respect my opposition when they have actual positions. I may never vote for one of them but hell, at least I know they stand somewhere. Romney is like a kayaker who is constantly shifting his weight to stay afloat. If he leans too far to the right, he immediately has to shift to the left, back and forth, over and over again. I got news for you, that fucking kayak is going to tip over.

Go out and vote, dammit.

I leave you with Jimi Hendrix.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I do not want to make a political post

It's been a hell of a long time since I've posted anything. My last post was about Ronald McDonald for God's sake. Since then, tons of shit has happened during the campaign. I will speak of none of them.

Let me say this, November 6th is coming. I can't fucking wait until the day after when I'll be dealing with hangover depression or hangover jubilation. I'm buying two bottles for the outcomes. One bottle of champagne and one bottle of the most liver scarring whiskey I can find (likely in a plastic bottle).

Hear you me, BOTH bottles will be extinguished no matter what the outcome it's just the order in which they will be and the amount of tears that go into each bottle.

I'm not stupid. The world won't end if MITTbot 2000 wins but the world will be that much closer to the singularity. If a robot can win the presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth, humans are done. What happens when his circuits fry? There's only so many times a computer can change its "mind."

"Step the fuck away from the caviar, slave."

Say what you will about Joe Biden, at least he's not a douche bag who thought the above was a good idea. Robots have no sense of decency which is why we have Paul Ryan practicing his putting-down-the-proletariat pose for when he gets to move into the Quadrilateral Office (the VP's equivalent of the Oval Office).

I can't wait until I can stop making nervous jokes about Romney and just start flat out pointing and laughing at the loser. Hopefully. That's the outcome and reality I want. Don't make me pop the champagne second. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

How to get free food at McDonalds

Listen up, America. I've got some hot tips for you. No more food stamps! No more being called a bottom sucking, ass licking, trash digging Democrat by our Republican overlords. We're going to take advantage of capitalism today, just like they'd love for us to do.

Write a letter to McDonald's corporate. Read below.

Dear Ronald McDonald,

The other day I was in your fine establishment on the corner of Fake and Silly Street in the beautiful state of Califlorida. I love McDonald's and eating Children McNuggets. The new cafe atmosphere appeals to my novel writing dream and, oh, don't get me started on WiFi. Two words: LOVIN' IT.

What surprised me to no end was that someone who claimed to work at McDonald's was directing the long lines in ways that frazzle comprehension. I was obviously next but this person allowed the wheelchair bound cutter go in front of me. I was appalled. So appalled I even thought about going across the street to Burger King. But I thought better of that act of gastroterrorism. My brother was once an employee of McDonald's and I know my brother isn't a liar and he told me that McDonald's has values that are better than allowing cutting. Tell me, Ronald, do you value cutting or do you value waiting your turn? This can determine the future of my McDonald's habit.

Look, I don't want to make empty threats but I don't know if I can walk into another McCafe if I am not adequately apologized to.

I love you,

Regis McIntyre

You gotta flatter 'em, folks. You have to establish your love for their chain by repeating their slogans (see last sentence of first paragraph above). You have to let them know that french fry grease runs through your veins. Then you have to let them know that you may never come back unless apologized to. But demand "adequately apologized to" because you open the apology to subjectivity. If the coupon they send you for a free McFlurry isn't enough, write another letter stating that one measly coupon for a treat you hardly ever order didn't meet your expectations of McDonald's own corporate values.

Write this letter to any fast food chain and I suggest writing this letter to multiple chains at once. Wait by your mailbox for your coupons and get free eating! Freeating!

Fuck food stamps, yay!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I know how to solve the education funding problem

America, you need me.

I watched some documentary narrated by Matt Damon the other day. It depressed me. Teachers don't get paid well but they work hard. Teachers have to buy pens and pencils and other supplies for their kids because schools can't afford it. School funding gets slashed frequently for more necessary things like killing enemy combatants.

Obama talks about winning the future by increasing funding for science and math. This is a good start. This equips kids with skills that can be translated into the profitable endeavor of working for Boeing to create death vaporizers that orbit Earth. But why invest in the future when we can start now? My solution ensures that teachers will get paid more, schools will be better funded, and our enemies will be pissing their pants.

Every school should have a weapons making factory.

Kids will benefit from real world experience on an assembly line. The kids that "get" the math and science will be the future blue print makers while the kids that fail have a pretty sweet resume that will practically guarantee a job swinging a hammer at a missile.

Always wear dish washing gloves when preparing the napalm, Jimmy!

The military could make sweetheart deals with weapons manufacturers -- free child labor in exchange for supplying the school with adequate tools to teach kids things. We're a country in a constant state of war, training the next bomb makers at every level is a hell of a deal for America.

Do they need iPads in the classroom? Do they want iPads in the classroom? Why not? The Patriot missiles are coming out of the factories at record low costs -- throw the kids some cheese for their efforts. Dry erase board markers would practically be a given.

Total cost: giving into some teachers demands about not having enough No. 2 pencils for her students to complete standardized tests. 

Teachers wouldn't complain about working long hours because they would be paid as much as physicians. Kids wouldn't complain about going to school because bombs fucking rule. Who needs recess when you're learning how to make bunker busters and how to guide missiles with an Xbox controller?

This is a win-win for everybody, America. Let's do it!

Romney's binders full of women

Romney has binders full of women. So do Roman and Alby Grant.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Treehouse of Horror XXIII

The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror episodes are the only Simpsons episodes I look forward to. I was getting pumped about it like my bro Paul Ryan up there and then realized it aired last week.

Thanks, Obama.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Paul Ryan's thoughts

Fuck you, bro. I forgot my towel. YOU wipe it down.

Give me some pumping space, dog. 

Are you taking a picture? Fuck you, bro. I'm just sitting here trying to look cool.

You don't like this red hat? Fuck you, the guy who spots me doesn't like my blue hat.

Hell yeah, I wear Saucony. What do you wear? Huaraches? Please. 

I like cross fit. I hate fat, ugly, horrendous, poor people. Fuck you.

For every Ayn Rand, there's a male spotter telling her to breathe. Fuck you, dumbshit.

Let me tell you about the Mitt Romney I know. This is a guy who believes he will be God of his own planet some day. 

When I'm not posing for Time Magazine, I'm in my lifted truck wearing Tapout t-shirts, drinking Monster, and calling women bitches while I drive. FUCK YEAH.

Do you listen to Nickelback? No? You don't know what you're missing. 

I hang out with guys with big muscles and when my wife asks me where I've been all night, I ignore her and drink another beer and tell her to shut the hell up and rub my feet. 

I come from Wisconsin and I like cheese and I like when my bros don't point out that I'm actually lactose intolerant. Obama and his death panel squads won't recognize it for the life altering bullshit that that is. 

My eyebrows are thick.

No words

Is this the kind of guy you want working out near you much less one Zoltron Calling away from running your country? 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Romney's relationship with birds

Twenty-somethings RULE!

Look at this spoiled little shit rapping and breaking things while getting paid by some corporate monster his image seemingly has no regard for. Machine Gun Kelly. He must have named himself after the Time Crisis 2 arcade guns.

He kinda looks like my old meth head roommate. I bet my old meth addict roommate has his mixtape.

Speaking of my meth-addicted roommate: he did listen to rap that claimed to hate America, corporations, and white people and all of the rappers he listened to were white. This is referred to as "meth logic." Nothing makes sense except for that weird chemical smell and fleeting feeling of euphoria. 

He also framed pictures of his dogs. He had about 5 framed photos of his dogs and 1 framed photo of his child in the living room. It was so confusing that I thought maybe it wasn't his child. Maybe it was his nephew or something. I asked him.

"That's my son. The love of my life."

"Where does he live?" I asked.

"I don't know. It's been years since I've seen him."

"Are these your dogs?"
"Yeah, those my dogs," he'd say. "Loves of my life."

"Where are they?"

"In my son. He ate them," he said as he proceeded to steal my beard trimmer worth $5 to try and sell for $2 for a down payment on more drugs.

Have you ever seen Zeitgeist or Loose Change? I have. Not willingly. He'd have viewing parties for other stupid people and I'd get stuck watching them or hearing them. Don't bother borrowing a cigarette from my old meth-addicted roommate. He'll remember and charge interest two weeks later when he spends all his money on meth and doesn't have enough money to pay for cigarettes and hasn't yet thought of stealing your beard trimmer.

He used to invite a cello dude over to play the cello and would ask him to try and figure out bass lines in rap songs. Not sure he knew the difference. He also had two trumpets that, when he played, sounded like a kazoo being farted into. He never bothered pawning those off. He was once in a ska band. Trumpets have sentimental value. Other peoples' beard trimmers do not. 

Despite all of his dumb-fuckery, he was a talented tattoo artist. He'd have weird people hang around and wait in line so he could tattoo them in his bedroom. He was also "allergic to dust." It made him sneeze. I'm pretty sure everyone sneezes around dust when it gets in their nose. 

You might think this is an ode to my old roommate. It's not. It's to my fucking beard trimmer. 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Teenagers RULE!

Lately, the DrudgeReport has been reporting on high schoolers protesting their new healthy lunches. It's not filling they say. Not enough cheese they say. Shut up the hell up, children, I say.

I was a teenager once. That doesn't mean I give a shit about what they complain about. I know when school's on vacation when I see teenagers loitering in grocery store parking lots. That should never happen. They should be in school year round and from 9am to 6pm. I would say that we need to compete with China but what I really mean is to keep kids in the prison of their schooling to keep them far away from society.

It must be fun just hanging around all day and listening to a shirtless bum tell you how the Pope is really a reincarnation of Josef Stalin.

They don't like their salads? Tough. No acne riddled little shit likes salad. Nothing like being forced to eat your greens to learn how to love them. You can loiter outside of 7-11 after school anyways while hardworking citizens try to buy beer without being hassled to get you some. Get your Hot Cheetos, you whiners and get the hell out of this empty parking space before I run you over. I need more beer.

Teenagers are kids and they can't vote. This gives us the perfect excuse to not care about anything they say. For Drudge to frame healthy school lunches in a favorable way for teenagers is just obvious political pandering to a constituency that doesn't even exist. Not everything the Democrat does is dictatorial, it's just good sense. Fat kids don't survive in the military when the draft comes along. If you think high school salads are gross, wait until you try army gruel.

Check out Andrew Hilbert's "Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute," at Out of the Gutter Online by clicking here!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Cowboy diplomacy

Howdy, y'all. This here post is to inform you that the wonderful folk down at Out of the Gutter Online posted my goddamn story, "Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute." Click the title or here, or here, or here, or here to read it. 

It's a tale of mystery and intrigue, temptation and murder, donkeys and jack asses. You'll dig it.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Taking Mitt out of Context

Mrs. Our Struggles Weren't Financial Romney says that Mitt was taken out of context when he clearly stated he doesn't care about half of America.

Duh, America! He was in a room full of rich white guys - you gotta have context when accounting for what shit flows from the asshole of Mitt Romney's mouth! The smell of his verbal feces changes from room to room.

Just yesterday he said he hated rich people to room full of poor free loaders! Nobody got any video of that, though! It's unfair. Moneybags Mitt Romney Inc is struggling, NOT FINANCIALLY, but they're just plain struggling with being caught as invertebrates.

Things I've overheard about Romney

I can't vouch for the truth in these statements but I have heard them about Romney.

1. He can suck his own dick. Due to the insane amount of wealth he has accumulated, most days he can just sit around on his back and stare at the ceiling. This gave him the crazy idea to try sucking his own dick. After a few hours, he was successful.

2. He loves peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate milk and fresh squeezed newborn blood.

3. His kids call him Money Bags because he often walks around the house wearing no clothes with $100 bills paper mached to his scrotum.

4. He spent a night in jail for drinking caffeine while watching a rated R movie in Salt Lake City Utah. When he sobered up he begged to not let the story get to press. It never did. Until now.

5. He has no toenails on account of he is an illusion projected from the planet Kolob.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Mitt Romney: I wouldn't turn down Netanyahu for a meeting

Mitt Romney: I wouldn't turn down Netanyahu meeting.

Because you're a fucking wimp, Mitt.

You believe in American supremacy but you're at Netanyahu's every call? You don't have to be pushed around by some guy who just wants to start a war.

I get it. Iran is scary. But they don't have a nuke.

Israel does.

So we can we just keep this pissing match a pissing match rather than letting it blow up to a radiated pissing match?

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Support Foxing Quarterly

Literary journals are a labor of love for the most part. An editor spends tons of time reading submissions, pulling their favorites, printing them and binding them into a beautiful product only for a salary of negative hundreds to thousands of dollars. I know this because I ran a print only literary journal. 

Beggars & Cheeseburgers was short lived but it made a mark in Long Beach, CA. Things unraveled after the third issue. We had a fourth issue's cover done, we had already accepted submissions, we were ready to roll. We just didn't have money. We had subscribers and anxious readers but nothing to lift us off the ground and get something printed. 

Thanks to Kickstarter, Foxing Quarterly can be funded by total strangers who appreciate the art and what we are doing. 

Click here to throw some cheddar Foxing Quarterly's way. 

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Why I have a strong disdain for Mitt Romney

There was a time, early in this election season, when I said, "Once the GOP weeds out all the lunatics, the country will be left with Romney. Romney winning wouldn't be so bad. He's a moderate." Boy, has that time passed.

I mistook spinelessness for centrist. Romney is willing to do and say anything to get people to vote for him.

Abortion - he's been for and against it. I'm not saying the man isn't allowed to change his mind, shit happens. When he was running for MA governor, he was for it because it was politically expedient for him to be. Now that the Republican party's loudest wing is the socially conservative wing, he is against it. When he was running for governor in MA, he publicly distanced himself from Reagan and Bush. Today he acts like he's always worshiped at the altar of Reagan.

There are no new ideas in the Romney campaign. He wants to cut taxes and close loopholes. What loopholes? Get back to him after the election. That's just another way of saying, "I have the courage to cut taxes but lack the balls to close loopholes." He won't cut any loopholes or tax breaks for corporate jets or dancing horses, I assure you of that. He's pro-life but he's going to make having a kid more expensive by cutting the tax break for dependents.

No one's ever asked him to see his birth certificate. Obviously, Mitt Romney. You're white. Barack Obama has a funny name and was born in Hawaii and is black. That was a stupid joke you made but it was clear who you were dog whistling to. You were telling the whites in your party that they could trust you because your values were the same as theirs on account of your skin color. You're a panderer and a narcissist. You also underestimate the decency of the American people with bullshit like that.

He talks about patriotism but spends tons of money hiding more of his money from the government. His fucking yacht flies the Cayman Islands flag. I thought he was a true blooded American who thought this country was the greatest in the world. Obama got shit for forgetting to wear a lapel pin in 2008, Romney gets no shit for hiding his money, hiding his tax returns, and flying another country's flag on his fucking yacht. This guy is rich and he's rubbing it in your faces.

Mitt Romney has been given every leadership position he's attained. He's rich - there's nothing wrong with being rich. But it's one thing to go to school and work at McDonalds to pay for it and it's another thing to "borrow" money from your parents to go to Harvard. I know plenty of rich kids who claim to "borrow" money from their parents but they "have to pay it back." Sure.

Mitt Romney's biography could be that of a super villain. Born rich and sheltered, bought his way to everywhere, never felt failure because you can always buy your way out of it, raided companies to give himself bigger bonuses, got bored because his money couldn't take him any further and decided to run for president. This is the one thing that money still can't buy. It may still be able to buy the office but it can't buy the election.

People still take the vote as sacred in this country and as much as factions of the country dislike Obama, they can't trust Mitt Romney. He's never been 100% on any issue. Ann Romney told me, "I know your struggles." No, you know OF my struggles. If my struggles caused me to sell off some stock, I'd say that owning stock that could get me out of my struggles by selling them in the first place meant I never truly had a struggle.

Mitt Romney - probably a good father. Probably a good husband. Definitely a good financial man. He's dedicated to his version of religious truth. After November, though, he'll return to being just another rich guy.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: THE COLD LIGHT OF DUMB EDITION

The Cold Light of Day. I clicked on that title on because I thought I was going to find some sepia tinted movie poster with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz embracing each other but looking away in the foreground of a desert scene.

No, instead I got some weird blue poster with Bruce Willis not in the center.

The Cold Light of Day is one of those movies that Willis nor his agent read the script for. They saw the title, thought, "Must be French," and signed on immediately. He hung out in Quebec for a few weeks to bone up on some French phrases and headed to the shoot. When he landed in Toronto to film a movie that takes place in Philadelphia, he was surprised to see how heavily armed the actors were. It was at that point he realized he should have at least skimmed the script.

I'm not doing that fucking line. No way. 

"Another fucking Die Hard rip off, eh?" Bruce Willis said to himself. "Fine, I'll do it. But I won't be happy about it."

Off he went, shooting things, kissing things, fucking things, and making the highest budget porn movie that Hollywood ever did green light.

It's not terrible. Every now and then Bruce Willis looks penetratingly into the camera and it gets real awkward for everyone in the theater but as soon as that gaze is over, the camera nearly always cuts to somebody's ankles and they trip and fall - lightens the mood.

I don't know. You should see it if you want to but nobody's forcing you to. It's a weird flick and Toronto looks nothing like Philadelphia and I've never been to either city though I am well acquainted with Hollywood studio representations of both.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Don't try on underwear at Wal Mart

Know your size before you walk in to the store. It's against store policy to try underwear on in Wal Mart anyways but you can never be too careful.

Do not go for the boxers that hang individually with no plastic sealing. These are usually silk boxers with popular TV characters or slogans painted onto them. Kids aren't that tall but their hands can definitely reach up to feel the silk and pick Homer Simpson's nose where the piss gates are.

If you have kids, don't let them do that. Not only out of consideration for the future owner of that pair of boxers but for their own sake. I know it's against store policy to try on boxers but you never know. The kind of person who tries on boxers and puts them back on the rack is exactly the kind of person's unpurchased boxers I would be skeptical of.

You're not supposed to buy individual boxers, anyways. If you must, do not wear them until they've been washed. This is a good rule for everything but especially for Wal Mart, individually hanging, non-plastic sealed boxers.

Go for underwear that comes three in a pack, is taped to a piece of cardboard, and with an unbroken seal. I'd still was these because I'm crazy but it's a safer bet that no Cheetos eating asshole kids and no store policy breaking STD'ed son of a gun didn't come in contact with them before you.

Just, seriously, know your size before you walk in to the store.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them

Summer is winding down and all of the studios have already relieved themselves of their bowel busters into the proverbial toilet. Now we're stuck with all the mistakes decent actors have made just so that Hollywood can make the most of what's left of the toilet paper. Case in point, Premium Rush, starring that one guy.

I remember when eating bananas was cool. When I was two years old. 

Premium Rush is about a bike messenger who kicks ass. By kicks ass, I mean he doesn't even give a shit about traffic or any of the dangers speeding toward him because he wears ear buds and listens to shitty indie music while he's delivering cryptic messages from perverted stalkers to curly haired, blue eyed, hipster queens in New York City. Here's exactly what happens: Joseph Gordon-Levitt delivers a message to a girl wearing a floral dress. She has brown hair and curls and is mysterious. Joey Gordo gets all hot and bothered about her. The next day he makes the same delivery. This time the girl is distressed and asks to ride on his handlebars away to freedom. There's a montage scene of them doing a bunch of cool free stuff because the generation this movie is trying to appeal to doesn't have enough money to do any of that shit after they see this movie. Then she rides his handlebars next to a fireplace. The person she is trying to outrun is an evil mob guy who wants to harvest her curls for wigs to sell to the elite in China; Joey Gordo ain't having none of that. He outruns these crazies on the street like nobody's business and leads them to their own demise. Joey Gordo saves the girl and the world. Somewhere in this pile of reclaimed sewage water is a message about how biking looks cooler than driving a car. This picture proves that horseshit wrong:

Hit & Run is a movie that probably proves Premium Rush's point about cars. It makes driving a car look like the worst possible decision you can make short of watching a road trip movie. 

I was probably the only person in the theater who was still awake at the end of Sleepwalk With Me, not because I was engrossed in the film but, because I have terrible insomnia and was hoping this movie would put me to sleep. My body seemed to be aware of the tomfoolery I was doing and refused to fall asleep out of spite. Perhaps I shouldn't have ordered a 100 oz Coca Cola. Sleepwalk With Me has one thing going for it though: much like the amnesia of sleepwalking, I wouldn't be able to tell you a damn thing about this movie. 

Little White Lies is a story of little white people telling lies. It's a nice diversion from the usual big white people telling lies that we're so used to in God's country: AMERICA. But it's French so it's obviously an impotent take on something an American has already done better. 

Thunderstruck stars Kevin Durant who does kick ass. His acting skills are on par with Kobe's rapping skills and slightly beneath Shaquille O'Neal's Facebook status update skills. Seriously, are you a fan of Shaq on Facebook? That guy doesn't shut up. Some nameless "clumsy" kid wants to have skills on basketball so Kevin Durant helps him out. The kid realizes that basketball isn't for him so he joins an accounting summer camp to please his dad. Kevin Durant smiles as the credits roll. The message seems to be don't dream or stay the fuck out of Kevin Durant's turf. 

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Henry the Helpful Elephant: the time I bought a gift for my cousin

I'm one of the bottom 50% of earners that don't pay ANYTHING in taxes (ha, funny joke), so with all that extra tax money I save I decided to buy a gift for my little cousin who can't read and who is strong enough to throw a book and kill somebody with it.

So I bought her a water toy book called Henry the Helpful Elephant.

While making the purchase, I didn't notice the fun tag line the author included on the packaging:

Henry! He squeaks AND squirts!

Every sane person's nightmare. I tore off this silly piece of cardboard and gave it to my cousin without its packaging as a matter of moral fortitude. She promptly started crying, threw the book in my face, and kicked me in my chin. 

Screw you, Henry. Stop squirting, you perverted purple elephant.

Meanwhile, in Heaven. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest: Rain Edition

Blah, blah, blah, synergy.

I heard he wasn't even born of a virgin. 

When I tugged at his penis, he failed to get aroused. One can assume he is not attracted to me but one would be wrong. The man is dead and has been for two weeks. 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Reason 07: Obama knows what a yurt is

I'm in Mongolia in a yurt. I'd much prefer to be at home writing this in my boxers and socks but thank God my handlers found a yurt with internet access. In Mongolia.

I prefer my presidents to be like me, understanding the world because we're rich enough and have ample leisure time to stay in yurts in Mongolia. My agent hired someone to write this for me. Thanks, Dave Eggers!

Hopefully I can catch a flight back home tonight so I can clock in on time for my minimum wage job. Ha! Just kidding. I'm an actor.

Monday, August 13, 2012

A plea to NPR

Dear NPR,

Please stop using audio of honking horns when introducing the city your story takes place in.

Considering most of your audience listens to NPR during commutes, this needlessly startles them into reaching for their middle finger and directing toward everyone behind and around them.

Get this man a double cheeseburger.

I hate the sound of honking horns. Most people use horns to say, "Hurry up," or, "Fuck you." Horns should only be used to say, "Holy shit, man, you're going to kill me or somebody else so please stop what you're doing and do something else." That is the only real reason to use a horn. The only other reason is if the driver in front of you is obviously asleep at the wheel and won't move at a light that just turned green. Allow a grace period before you give the love-tap horn. Don't lay in on it. You become the asshole.

There is another reason. If someone has a sign that says, "Honk if you hate when people honk their horn," fucking honk.

NPR, I hate horns. They stress me out. Every city on the planet has people who honk their horns. Rather than introducing a "bustling city" with the sound of their traffic, why not just introduce it with audio from a cafe or a bar or somewhere else where humans actually converse. Or just play the shitty polka-rap-world music you play in between every story you air. Nobody would know the difference.

Thank you.

Check out Mr. Hara-San's latest here.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The X Files: Best show of the 90s?

Right now I'm going through the X Files on Netflix from the very start of the series. It has aged incredibly well.

"There's a perfectly rational reason for this pose, Mulder."

TV today too often relies on an overarching story. You can't wander in in the middle of a season and get the gist of characters, what makes them tick, and what the hell they're doing in any given episode. Granted, TV is made for mass consumption so it is not impossible to figure all of this out - it's just that much more of a pain in the ass. The X Files is "monster of the week." Every episode (at least in the first season) is self contained and that's a good thing.

Television has swung so far to the "really long movie" side of things that now it's time to find some sort of happy medium between "monster of the week" and "I missed episode 5 and now it's episode 6 and for some reason the protagonist is a fly." Maybe you're just watching the Fly.

A few TV shows that straddle the line: Justified, Burn Notice. Burn Notice is horrible. The main character looks like he super glues his upper lip to his front teeth. I can't take him seriously.

Jim Carey as the Mask.

Justified got away with having two seasons with the exact same story line but at least I could tune in at any point and say, "This show makes no fucking sense anyways."

The X Files was the best show of the 90s, hands down. It ranks up there with a bunch of shows I never watch that people tell me are great like the Twilight Zone, and Dr. Who. All the Dr. Who fans are about to shit a brick, I know.

Like Dr. Who, the X Files is endlessly rebootable. All the writers have to do is write two characters on opposite sides of a wall of sexual tension. The show writes itself from there.

Chris Carter is an alumni of California State University, Long Beach. So is Steve Martin. Stop saying my degree in history from that fine institution is worth nothing.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Christ Fil A

All of the sudden people boycotting Chick Fil A have Christophobia or are heterophobic. This is where political discourse is in America.

Don't believe that Jesus is a gay hating mad man? FUCK YOU! YOU'RE CHRISTOPHOBIC!

Don't believe that you should spend money at a place that financially supports anti-gay groups? FUCK YOU! YOU'RE AFRAID OF HETEROSEXUALS!

Oh, Jesus. 

This is just insane.

I love how every conservative now has to prove just how conservative they are by tweeting pictures of themselves *ordering* Chick Fil A sandwiches.

I call your bluff. Tweet pics of yourselves EATING Chick Fil A sandwiches (you're not eating them is my point. You're giving them to your wild eyed interns). Hell, I hear their chicken salad is awesome. Tweet pics of yourselves clinging to the toilet, crying out to God an hour after eating said chicken salad. That'll really prove how much you love Jesus.

Chick Fil A makes good sandwiches and hires good people. Their sandwiches are pretty expensive and the price to pay on the toilet outweighs all other factors when deciding what repackaged poop factory sandwich I want to eat.

I searched "repackaged poop factory" and, I shit you not, Google gave me this.

I could care less about Chick Fil A.

Buying a fucking sandwich is now a grand political statement. Who cares?

This is what Christians think about when they say they're being persecuted. Google Chinese Christians and see what persecution looks like. We're fighting about fucking sandwiches.

Meanwhile in Fantasy Land, Mitt Romney's horse lost the dancing contest but got fucked up at the after party:

Monday, July 30, 2012

Does anyone in Iran believe this shit?

This shit. This is the shit I'm talking about. Does anyone in Iran believe it?

We're so used to seeing Iran as one whole mass of villainy but we're really only seeing the Ayatollah and that one short guy with a beard who looks like he's the type of guy that complains about the number of onions you put in his sandwich at Subway.

Further, does anyone believe this shit?

I refuse to believe the Iranian people buy this crap. If the West could really control the weather and cripple Iran, then why the hell is my corn in America getting more expensive? It must be an Iranian plot.

Maybe I have too much faith in humanity. 

In my own country we have some small time sheriff doing tricks in MSPaint to prove Obama was born in Kenya... and some people believe that shit. 

We also have Pat Robertson who sees every stray thundercloud as a sign from God... and some people believe that shit. 

We have a presidential candidate who has a dancing horse... I refuse to believe horses can dance but some people get $77,000 in tax breaks for it, can you believe that shit?

Some people make sweaters out of cat hair. Believe it.