Thursday, May 31, 2012

Unmanned drones over America

Unmanned drones make it easier for Americans to spy on other Americans for no good God damned reason. It's 2012 and we're in 1984, folks.

With any luck these things will collect hard evidence that the Black Keys do, in fact, suck.

What constitutes the correct use of spy drones? Is there any correct use? Medical marijuana farms in California are within the laws of their state, homosexuals living in states with sodomy laws are out of bounds in the laws of their states. How far does the use of unmanned drones go? It is territory that hasn't yet been crossed in America but states are buying this technology up so nobody is actually safe from the peering eye of the state.

The War on Terror seems to have been fought just fine within the US without these damn peeping toms all over the place, so what is the actual benefit of throwing this shit up into the air?

Sure, it'll catch a few criminals but at what cost? Google cars already siphon my private information as they drive by taking photos to 'improve their maps' but still can't get me anywhere in Austin, TX accurately. Drones can easily be outfitted with the same technology.

To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, "those who would sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither and by the way, you're all fucked."

Living isn't to be done in the shadows, constantly looking over your back to find out when terrorists will strike. Living is knowing that anything can happen and does happen and you continue on with your day in spite of that fact. And I'm all for federally mandated groping sessions. I believe that if there is a danger and where there is more likely to be a danger, for the sake of all passengers' safety, certain measures should be done to protect everyone. Flying is not a right. You choose to fly. The government regulates it. That's fine.

Being photographed and filmed as I walk to my car? That seems to be an overstepping of bounds. Do police forces have to obtain warrants to film and photograph with drones? That's too much damn power for local police forces who have 90% more mustache than muscle.

I want to make a big old mural and put it on my roof. Maybe it'll be a painting of Obama and George Bush naked and in the throes of passion, frying eggs on each others' backsides.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Words you shouldn't say on the internet if you don't want the government peeking into your shit

I don't know anything about the Daily Mail. I also don't know anything about our government. So it's a wash.

Supposedly, the limey bastards at the Daily Mail got their fingers on the list of words that'll get the government erect on your personal things.

Included on that list is a word. That word is, "pork."

So don't go around saying you want to pork your johnson.

Another word on that list is, "infection."

If, after porking your johnson, you get an infection you will need to practice better hand cleansing techniques.

North Korea.

Do not, for God's sake, pork your johnson in North Korea. An infection is inevitable.

Human to human, human to animal.

If your hand is not sufficient, human to human porking is preferable to human to animal. Infection is more likely in cases of human to animal in North Korea.

Body scanner, Ice.

If you cannot finish porking, think of baseball before going through a body scanner. If that only arouses you more, go to the bar and fetch some ice.

Phreaking, facility.

If the ice doesn't help, you're phreaking out of luck unless you can find a facility to relieve yourself discreetly.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Important Announcement!

Greetings, fine readers of the best online blog ever (this one).

Garrison Ford and I have been commissioned by the legendary Mr. Hara-San to transcribe his helpful hints for spiritual healing, practical living, and other tidbits of advice for a longer, more fulfilling life.

Be sure head on over to Mr. Hara-San's Magical World of Help Time Deluxe Edition every day for life success.

Also get your fill of bullshit here at The Cheesepaper because we still kick ass and still love doing it. Just expanding our portfolios, you know.

I will also be writing a column for Out of the Gutter starting on June 1st. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Operation Offend Arizona: Ken Bennett edition

Hawaii's giving Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett one dick of a time verifying Obama's birth. Hawaii's probably sick of this shit. Once they've verified, it's never enough and there'll need to be more verification.

I want to see Romney's birth certificate and I also want to verify none of his family members are illegal immigrants. I also want to verify that none of his ancestors were enemies of the state as Mormon polygamists. There are a lot of things I want to verify but Romney's skin color is the right shade of pale so fuck it.

Arizona is falling down some crazy rabbit hole. What makes this more fun is that Ken Bennett is Mitt Romney's campaign co-chair in Arizona. He's going to stack the deck by keeping Obama off the ballot.

You say there's no class war? It's here. Can't do enough to keep Mexicans from voting? Take the candidate they're most likely to vote for off the ballot. I hate using the word 'fascist' to describe things I don't like but seriously, these guys are fucking fascists. There's no two ways about it.

Real life Cletus from the Simpsons.

Ken Bennett has the eyes of a serial masturbater who looks deeply within his own eyes in the mirror searching for his own soul. He goes to bed at night and is awakened by the haunting reality that he can't even recognize himself. His wife sleeps with her back to him and whenever he goes to touch her, his fingers are cold and corpse like. His soul is rotting from the outside in. It's only a matter of time before he seeks solace in his credit card and meth and does feats of self-pleasure on street corners for money once the credit line is run out.

I feel sorry for you, Ken Bennett.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Now they're protecting tax-dodging traitors

The GOP as it breathes today makes absolutely no sense to me.

Facebook founding fuck, Eduardo Saverin leaves the US because he's already sucked all the milk out of America's education system, enjoyed the protections of America's military, and so on and now he doesn't want to pay his fair share. So he renounces his citizenship to avoid paying taxes.

Is this at all defensible to the self-proclaimed patriotic and 'pro-America' party?

Why, yes. Of course it is. Wealth comes before God and country.

Eduardo Saverin took everything he could, helped found a company that saw its full wealth in the United States of America and his 'thank you' to his country is to run out on the bill without even leaving a tip.

If the GOP wants to call out the 'welfare' state, why not point the finger at Saverin? That's right. The rich, who have money, shouldn't pay taxes, shouldn't be patriotic and should be able to leave as soon as something they don't like happens. While the poor work until they die, pay for a system that doesn't support them but props up oil companies and social media masturbators, sign up to fight and die for a country that doesn't give a shit about them, and are frequently being blamed for the ills of our country.

We bailed the rich out once. Let it never happen again.

It's time for the GOP to wake up and stop bothering with trying to protect foreign interests. Eduardo Saverin is a foreign interest.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sean Penn is a blow hard

Sean Penn recently spoke at a Haiti Fundraiser and used lots of spicy language to get a bunch of rich people riled up and ready to donate money to Haiti.

"Fuck 'em," he said, "if they say you're just writing a check. You're making a difference."

You're not just writing a check. You are the check.

No. You're just writing a check. Rich people can do that. All the world's problems can be avoided by writing checks for large amounts of money.

"Oh, my God! People are starving you say? Here's a check for 2,000 dollars so I'll never have to think about it again. It's ruining my appetite. The mere thought stains my designer tuxedo! Waiter! Caviar, please!"

Rich western hemisphere-ers also have a Savior complex. Remember Invisible Children? The blonde haired, blue eyed, dancing, boy wonders that thought that just by raising awareness about a bad guy on the other side of the world would somehow stop his misdeeds. Something to the extent of, 'Uganda isn't taking advantage of this horrendous human being through a slick marketing campaign. So we'll raise money, pay ourselves 70% of the funds raised and then funnel the rest of the 30% into Uganda's corrupt government. Everyone will think we're saving the world and we can feel good about ourselves for making a slick video about the beauty of human life starring white people and then make a real life black guy the bad guy.' Just like every Hollywood turd pile ever made.

He wasn't worried about the fines. All the money you raised to help him get Kony affords him the luxury of naked meltdowns that we regular people wouldn't dare. 

I'm not saying it isn't noble to worry about what's happening in the world. I'm not saying you shouldn't write checks to do some good. I haven't said what I'm saying, so here it is:

The arrogant rich say continually that America is the richest country in the world. Why, then, is there a war on our own poor? Our schools are turning into prisons. Our poor students are being taught that there is no hope except for prison. We have hungry children. We have shanty towns. There is hopelessness in America. So when you're wining and dining with all of your glitzy Hollywood pals remember to get your head out of your ass and realize that not every American is as lucky as you are to just be able to write a check and be baptized of any guilt.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Can a 9-year old be a psychopath?


I don't know what we were thinking

Many years ago I lived with two roommates in Long Beach, CA. We all had artistic ideas and other blah blah blah like that. We started the magazine Beggars & Cheeseburgers as the final outgrowth of whatever we were always talking about.

Beggars & Cheeseburgers started somewhere else, though. We planned to make a comic about mundane people having super powers that they used to overcome annoyances. We made one version of it and never came back to it. That eventually led to Beggars & Cheeseburgers which was, for as long as it lasted, a pretty successful zine.

I just dug through my hard drive and found the comic that started it all.

I remember we wanted to post these up as posters around the city so that each "issue" would be at a different location whenever it came out and we'd have a website telling people where to go see it. It's still a workable and decent idea, I think.

The first comic, pretty bizarre.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Domino's is hiring

Domino's wants you to compete for a minimum wage job. Is there anything more demeaning than unveiling this through a commercial with a $600 toy being used to compete for said job?

If you have the time to compete for a minimum wage job on a $600 toy, you're probably not in dire need of that job.

An iPad probably tastes better than a Domino's pizza anyways.

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Black Keys and why they suck

The Black Keys - two nerdy art school types who studied the human soul in music intensely in hopes of one day pretending that they possess soul in their own music. Everything in their music is lifeless and dull and made with a mathematical precision completely devoid of passion or the soul of those they try so hard to imitate.

Quick! Take a picture of me fixing my tie. Quick! Catch my beard before it quits my face because I suck too much ass. 

Even on their first few albums (which Black Keys fans will tell you are 'better' if you don't like their new stuff) you could hear the utter lack of any emotional depth. Recording in low-fi was merely a calculated move to sound soulful and passionate (like old blues records). Many fell for it and as soon as their popularity grew, in came the slick manufacturing of their albums and videos. They are marketers and publicists before they are blues musicians.

True story: I once said, "I like the blues" to someone and they wet their pants with glee.

"I love the blues! My favorite band is the Black Keys!"

This person was an accountant. Soullessness pervades that profession. The Black Keys would fit in well.

Truth is, I never liked them. I suppose they're good at making non-pop pop music but it still stinks like gangrene assholes to me. Maybe that's the problem. It's pop music dressed up as indie or underground or whatever white hipster intellectuals want to call it to get as close to African American roots music as they can without having to listen to it. It's pop music with fuzzy sounding guitars. It ain't special. It still has the emotional range and depth of a Britney Spears concert. I'm not saying all music has to be more than pop music, I'm just saying can't we all stop pretending that it isn't? Fuzzy guitars do not a good song make.

Fuck the Black Keys.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Me and Bam-Bam are so tight that he emails me every night

I made the mistake of donating to Barack Obama this election cycle. I don't regret giving the man my money. I regret giving him my email address.

With subject lines like, "My best friend," "It's me again," "Almost forgot," you'd think I was actually having a decent back and forth conversation with him. Nope. Each one his hand is out asking for money. I don't blame him. He's running against a man who pisses gold flakes and shits $100s. 

I think it's a good idea for the Barack Obama campaign to have a "Take my name off your email list donation drive." Everyone who donates at least $10 will get emails less frequently while everyone who donates up to a $100 will get emails with less frequency all the way until they don't get any more emails at all. The people who participate in that are the most valuable because, A) they read your emails, and B) they donate based on what they read.

Yeah, so maybe nix the idea. 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Sweaty foot dollar

I don't care who you are. You do not pay people in bills that are soiled and warmed by your foot sweat.

Yes, you ran and the only place to put your money was in your shoe. That's no excuse. Don't run if you really need to buy a book afterwards or run home and get your money before you shop. If you're that hit up for time and you're comfortable enough to put cash in your shoes while you run, you're probably comfortable enough to wrap a paper towel around that cash, put it in a sandwich bag and putting that in your shoe.

A sweaty lady came into my place of work. She tells me, "My money's in my shoe."

"That's disgusting," I says.

No shame, no pause as she takes off her shoe and dumps out a stinky and wet $20. I grabbed 3-4 tissues and grabbed the bill, choking on her disgustingness and my own hatred for humanity.

Get that shit out of here.

I made a show of putting the $20 way at the bottom of my stack of 20s so that I wouldn't have to come in contact with it.

Later, some dickhead paid for a 90 cent postcard with a $100 bill. How did I create justice in a terminally unjust world? I dug to the bottom of my stack of 20s for the sweaty foot dollar and gave him that as part of his change.

Some dickhead. 

He didn't know it was a sweaty foot dollar. No big deal.

I practically took the skin off of my palms with anti-bacterial soap after he left.

Lessons: You don't deserve feet if you put your money in your shoe while you run.

You don't deserve unsoiled change if you pay for things (that can be paid for with coins) with a $100. You're just showing off that you're wealthier than me. I know you are. I work at the bookstore you're shopping at. That tells me everything I need to know about my class in comparison to yours. Get out of my face.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Niacin makes your face feel like Satan is fucking it

I took a B complex supplement this morning because it seemed like a cool thing to do. Here I am, some cool guy shopping at some cool and hip grocery store, being served by people with nose rings and neck tattoos, making me feel guilty for forgetting reusable bags, and buying Vitamin B complex supplements.

I take it this morning and 10 minutes later I feel a burning sensation on my face.

"Is my face red?"

"Your face is always red in the morning."

"Are you sure? It's really burning."

I don't know who the hell this guy is but when I searched "niacin flush" this was the only image that wasn't of some veiny body builder.

"Oh, yeah. It's really red."

If I could describe the exact hue of red it was it would be somewhere between the devil's asshole and his scrotum. So a tainty red.

I splashed water on my face to no avail.

Gradually the redness went away and my face stopped tingling but I think the B vitamins are doing their job because I am way more relaxed today than I was yesterday.

Niacin: your face will turn red and you will be miserable for a short period of time.

Pellagra: eat some Niacin so your legs don't fall off.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Technological breakthrough

Scientists in Japan have created a robotic ass with the goal of expanding the emotional ranges of robotic technology.

Meet Shiri:

Can the ass recreate the emotion of fear? Because whenever I'm scared, I shit my pants.

Thank you, Japan.

Fat guy in a box wants some of that SHIRI.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: May Movie Roundup

Dark Shadows: a thinly veiled excuse for Johnny Depp to wear makeup and dress as an androgynous dim wit and sing a few songs. Basically watch every movie he's ever been in, subtract depth, and you have this movie. 


God Bless America: it cost $100 million to make yet still manages to look like a cheap Mitt Romney SuperPAC stunt. The God blessing America in this movie is Voltron, Mormon God of the Kingdom of Isidor. Voltron has a bone to pick with Protestant Jesus and Catholic Jesus. "They're not muscular enough," Voltron is once heard saying. So Voltron builds a Stalin-era styled temple in Salt Lake City and builds Muscular Jesus (aka Mormon Jesus). The Heavens open up and Mastador, Mormon God of the Kingdom of Earth, grants Voltron Godship over Earth and Voltron blesses America specifically because the number of white people in it. He blesses Mitt Romney as his eternal prophet, second only to Gorzon - Voltron's only son. The movie ends with Muscular Mitt Romney breaking the chains of slavery, flexing and screaming, "VOTE FOR ME!" It's harder to understand than Jesus in gym doing kegel exercises.  

Lilly, the world's next Dakota Fanning.

Tonight You're Mine: a love story about a man and his pet chihuahua with a backdrop of Scotland's music festival which is most famous for nobody knowing its significance. The title line is delivered by the man when he sees the chihuahua sniffing an asshole that wasn't his. In the age of 50 Shades of Grey, men who are dominant and controlling assholes with sexual quirks ranging from BDSM to bestiality (this movie) are now considered deep and romantic. Bring your Kleenex and tone up those kegels!

The Cup: a riveting documentary by world acclaimed director Ron Howard about the cup after his starring role in 2 Girls 1 Cup. This movie is shitty. 

A Bag of Hammers: dumber than