It took me two days to write this post because I've been passed out underneath a freeway drinking nothing but whiskey and unfiltered heroin because the United States of America is now totally fucked because they re-elected a dictator.
Ha. Just kidding. It took me two days to write this post because I've been partying with homeless people and welfare queens and trading my food stamps for drugs because the United States of America elected the guy who will "give me things" according to Bill O'Reilly.
Ha. Just kidding x2. It took me two days to write this post because I've been enjoying the deafening silence of Republicans too much to do anything else but look at Karl Rove's sweaty upper lip that I've affectionately named Defeat.
I wonder what Mitt Romney's up to right now.
Probably looking for a caffeine dealer.
Or, he's shopping with a considerably frown-ier smile.
Today is the only day that is important in your duty as an American citizen. You live in this country, you're given the right to express your political desire, and your voice fuckin' matters.
Fry your bacon, scramble your eggs, finish off your coffee, get into your car/on your bike/into the bus, and get to a goddamned polling station. Get a sticker that says you voted and put it on your shirt. Parade around town telling other people to vote and prepare for some serious partying or crying tonight.
This isn't football or basketball or baseball. This isn't some willy-nilly thing to do if the mood is right. It is an election and in a country where church and state don't mix, it is the only sacred duty you have.
I won't tell you how to vote but I will tell you how I voted: his name starts with a B and ends with arack Obama.
The first vote I ever cast was in the Democratic primary and it was for Howard Dean. Embarrassing? Maybe a little. My second presidential vote ever cast was for John Kerry and I'm grateful that I got to vote for him because he shot Obama out of obscurity and into the national scene. I remember watching Obama's speech at the DNC and thinking, "Holy crap." Then he ran against the Clinton machine and won. My house was a house divided. Half of the registered voters voted for Clinton and the other half (myself included) voted Obama.
There are many things about Obama that unnerve me but there's a whole lot more that make me immensely proud. Barack Obama has proven that he is a steady and capable leader and he definitely deserves four more years.
I've said this many times but I will say it again. Romney is an Etch-a-Sketch toy. His people have said it themselves. I respect my opposition when they have actual positions. I may never vote for one of them but hell, at least I know they stand somewhere. Romney is like a kayaker who is constantly shifting his weight to stay afloat. If he leans too far to the right, he immediately has to shift to the left, back and forth, over and over again. I got news for you, that fucking kayak is going to tip over.
It's been a hell of a long time since I've posted anything. My last post was about Ronald McDonald for God's sake. Since then, tons of shit has happened during the campaign. I will speak of none of them.
Let me say this, November 6th is coming. I can't fucking wait until the day after when I'll be dealing with hangover depression or hangover jubilation. I'm buying two bottles for the outcomes. One bottle of champagne and one bottle of the most liver scarring whiskey I can find (likely in a plastic bottle).
Hear you me, BOTH bottles will be extinguished no matter what the outcome it's just the order in which they will be and the amount of tears that go into each bottle.
I'm not stupid. The world won't end if MITTbot 2000 wins but the world will be that much closer to the singularity. If a robot can win the presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth, humans are done. What happens when his circuits fry? There's only so many times a computer can change its "mind."
"Step the fuck away from the caviar, slave."
Say what you will about Joe Biden, at least he's not a douche bag who thought the above was a good idea. Robots have no sense of decency which is why we have Paul Ryan practicing his putting-down-the-proletariat pose for when he gets to move into the Quadrilateral Office (the VP's equivalent of the Oval Office).
I can't wait until I can stop making nervous jokes about Romney and just start flat out pointing and laughing at the loser. Hopefully. That's the outcome and reality I want. Don't make me pop the champagne second.
The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror episodes are the only Simpsons episodes I look forward to. I was getting pumped about it like my bro Paul Ryan up there and then realized it aired last week.
