Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The worst part of Rick Perry's State of the State Address


Granted, particularly is a particularly hard word to say clearly. It's much harder than nuclear.

Rick Perry says particularly like his tongue had just spent five hours licking cocaine out of a coyote's asshole.

He said something about the rainy day fund and using funds to fix Texas' water situation. That was good.

He said something about education funding.

He said something about how Texas doesn't fund art at all but it's thriving. Which is true on both points. Not lying there.

But, dammit, he said particularly in a particularly peculiar manner and I just couldn't hear anything else.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Manti Te'o and a big glass of who cares?

Manti Te'o, noted Hawaiian and phoniest Mormon since Mitt Romney, is on everyone's hearts and minds these days.

Was the poor guy duped by a sociopath friend?

Was the poor guy a sociopath who used a fake girlfriend's death as a way to get into shilling for Best Buy commercials?

Who cares? Really, who cares?

Manti Te'o (left) and his girlfriend (right). 

I didn't know who Manti Te'o was until someone asked me, "What do you think of Manti Te'o getting duped?"

I stared with a blank face for a few minutes then asked, "How do you spell that?" and searched it. BAM! There's more on it then there is on Lance Armstrong.

He's not kissing little kids. He's not killing people. He's just playing with imaginary friends that he may or may not have been aware that they were imaginary. He's either naive or stupid. I'm betting stupid.

In other news, America kills some people with flying death machines and Facebook launched a new search engine! Is Google jealous? Find out next time on every fucking channel that exists.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Bar patio smoking ban

It's come to this.

Austin is mulling whether or not to ban outdoor smoking at bars and restaurants. Fine. Ban it at restaurants. I could care less.

I was listening to KUT this morning and the joker who wants this thing to pass says banning outdoor smoking is for child safety. That's a valid point at restaurants. It's not at bars.

First step to strengthening child safety: don't bring your kids to bars.

Nobody walks into a bar thinking I am going to be super healthy here. 

What happens inside a bar? Drinking. No smoking. What happens on the bar's patio? Drinking and smoking. You don't like smoke, be an adult and go inside or go home. Don't legislate legal behavior out of existence.

Those same restaurants that you want to be healthier? Tell them to stop serving kids platefuls of french fries and to stop encouraging unlimited refills on soda.

I don't mind businesses choosing whether or not they want to allow outdoor smoking on their premises. That's within their rights. But to send a law like this from on high is idiotic.

Ban it at restaurants. Don't ban it where adults congregate under the dubious claim that it's to protect "the children."

I bet you these people wear Livestrong bracelets, too.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: OSCAR NOMINATIONS EDITION

It's Oscar time again which means all of Hollywood is suiting up for the year's biggest circle jerk! Lube is selling out in the millions and Angelenos can hardly get a hand on a box of Kleenex. Let's go through each picture nominated, one by one, and predict who's going to go home with a hard one and who's going home on a depression fueled drug bender.

Amour: No American has seen this film but it's here to show the world America kind of cares what's going on in the rest of the world but not really. Look, we elected Obama twice. We're not total imbeciles but do we have to prove it to you every year by nominating some foreign flick that moves at a mile per minute and says nothing in English? Be on the lookout for Amour 3D, though. I hear the subtitles really jump out at you.

Life of Pi: Any movie that's billed as a coming of age story that takes place almost entirely with the protagonist in solitude that doesn't include a ton of masturbation is just one fucking lie.

Argo: Ben Affleck gets to portray a hero in his own movie again. We've seen it all before. Ben Affleck can't close his mouth all the way which leads me to conclude he's a mouth breather. Ben Affleck plays the same role every time: Ben Affleck with slightly different hair styles. This time, the hair style was a beard but it was too well trimmed and manicured. Unbelievable.

Lincoln: If I wanted to see a movie about the greatest president ever I'd be waiting for the one about George W. Bush.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: This is the Academy's answer to including a foreign film. Let's just pick this movie that made no sense and nobody saw and everyone will think American film making is experiencing a revival. I've got news for you, movie-about-a-young-person-on-the-water, Life of Pi had better special effects so it's going to win.

Silver Linings Playbook: Bradley Cooper is a pupil in the Keanu Reeves school of acting. Ryan Reynolds is also in that school. If Ryan Reynolds is Keanu Reeves without the personality, what is Bradley Cooper? Bradley Cooper is Ryan Reynolds without the paycheck. At least Ryan Reynolds gets to play super heroes and gets a fat check for appearing on a box of french fries. What does Bradley Cooper have? Playing a public school teacher in 90% of the movies he makes.

Bradley Cooper doing an impression of every public school teacher I've ever known. 

Django Unchained: What is there to say about Django Unchained that hasn't yet been said? It's an ass-number. If movies continue this trend of being 2+ hours long, I'm just going to quit watching movies. That's the end of it. I can think of one scene that stuck out like  a sore thumb in this movie and if it would've been cut, the movie would have been just under 2 hours and I wouldn't be here typing with one hand and applying Preparation H with the other.

Zero Dark Thirty: A racist exploitation film.

Les Miserables: Why do people feel the need to make musicals out of novels? You don't seem that miserable when you're whistling while you work. You seem downright happy when you're breaking into song and dance while you're eating pigeon droppings and sewing up the holes in your boots.

Obviously, folks, nothing is going to win this year just like nobody won the Pulitzer Prize in fiction last year. The crop is just too crappy.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Fuck AIG

Sometimes it's hard coming up with a post title but this one was easy as all Hell.

AIG is a collective of fuckers. They spend their days sucking each other's toes while masturbating and cleaning up their mess with $200 billion worth of dollar bills provided by the American taxpayer.

How great would it be to tank the economy, be bailed out by the taxpayer, and then turn around and sue the taxpayer for the terms being unfair?

They're goddamn right it was unfair. It was unfair to bail their asses out while hard working citizens can't find jobs. They got a sweet deal. Take it and grovel at our feet. Instead their dropping their boxers and taking a shit all over us.

All that being said, they're just thinking about joining a lawsuit saying the terms of the bailout were unfair. For them to even consider that kind of bullshit is a joke.

We let massive banks loot the treasury and poor people still have to beg to get $200 worth of food stamps a month. It's a joke.

Say what you will, proletariat, I'm wiping my ass with this tonight!

Monday, January 7, 2013

RIP Huell Howser.

Few television figures can incite as many feelings of nostalgia and sadness as Huell Howser can. He died today and, although I am no longer a Californian and no longer paid much attention to his show, I am deeply saddened.

Huell Howser hosted a few shows about California. He'd visit weird places and interview people and he had this natural curiosity about everything. His joy was contagious. For god's sake, this guy got excited about everything. This was not some TV ruse, either. Huell was the real, happy-go-lucky deal.

There was a radio show called Conway and Steckler and they'd play Huell Howser clips and make fun of it. This was actually part of the fun of Huell's show. His child-like happiness and wonder was something to scorn and laugh at but truly, everyone I know loved Huell like crazy.

When I was a kid I saw his show as something only old person watched. I still would catch it every now and then but as I got older I appreciated it more. We lose our interest in new things as we get age and dance in sandwich costumes for the grand opening of a Subway for $6.75 an hour. Huell gave us an hour to empty our minds and be awed, not only by the quirky stuff he did but, by the way he reacted to it. Huell provided some real squeaky clean fun that wasn't available anywhere else.

"I've never seen a dog eat avocados."

I haven't either, Huell. Not until your show at least.

I'm sure the afterlife is blowing your mind.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Introverts, shut up about being introverts

That book Quiet came out and now all the introverts won't shut up about themselves.

Everyday on Facebook, there's a new photo with text superimposed about being an introvert or, there's a new quiz result displaying that the person who's posting results is, indeed, an introvert. It's become the en vogue thing for latte sipping, NPR listeners.

I don't think bragging and putting on display your introversion matches the character trait.

It's fine to be an introvert. Hell, it's even fine for you to label yourself one. But to do so almost every fucking day, multiple times a day, reminds me of a child begging to be noticed at a family Christmas gathering by standing up in the middle of the room and belting out Jingle Bells in the style of Whitney Houston. You're special, we get it. The adults just want to drink egg nog.

Here's the thing, you who beg to be recognized as different and special by constantly reminding us you're introverted: you're not introverted. You're an unappreciated and ignored extrovert. Don't mistake introversion with being loud and everyone tuning you out. You don't have to prove just how introverted you are, doing so proves the opposite.

Hey, now. You're still special and hey, I noticed you! Here, take this Whitney Houston video for comfort:

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

A new year

2012 came and went like a kidney stone. It built itself up, lodged itself in your urethra, and then came out in a bloody and satisfying fashion.

The world didn't end in 2012 despite the media building up every stupid doomsday prediction. I think there were four. Maybe the world did end and we all just slipped into another dimension without even knowing it, man.

Anyway, I've let this blog develop cobwebs in December. It ain't going to be that way in 2013.

You know how sometimes you can just tell that you don't need to do something? Whenever I see a band fronted by a guy with a goatee, I know I don't need to listen or pay attention. It saves me time and annoyance. Some of you will say, it's about the music, not the looks. Yeah, well I can just tell that a guy under 50 who decides a goatee is a good look is not the kind of person I want to hear music from. A bass player can do it. A lead singer can't.

The top five posts of 2012 were:

Operation Offend Arizona, Day 2: From the Comments 5218 views

The Black Keys and why they suck 3904 views

Unmanned drones over America 623 views

Technological breakthrough 595 views

Wherein I examine laughter over the internet 317 views

My favorite comment of the past year was this gem in response to The Black Keys and why they suck:

G. B. MillerMay 15, 2012 3:19 AMDid someone give you a turban wedgie and got your panties in bunch today?
Is your musical speed Justin Beiber, et al and the other nonsensical garbage that the record companies peddle to people such as yourself?
Because this post sounds like a whiny petulant little child wrote it.
Must suck to be such a "open" minded indvidual.
I don't even know what a turban wedgie entails but I love how once I make fun of a band this gentleman likes, he assumes I must be a Justin Beiber fan. A Belieber, as they say. No way, dawg, I'm a huge Justin Guarini fan.

Here's to a new Justin Guarini Old Navy jingle in 2013. The Cheese lives on!