Thursday, January 10, 2013

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: OSCAR NOMINATIONS EDITION

It's Oscar time again which means all of Hollywood is suiting up for the year's biggest circle jerk! Lube is selling out in the millions and Angelenos can hardly get a hand on a box of Kleenex. Let's go through each picture nominated, one by one, and predict who's going to go home with a hard one and who's going home on a depression fueled drug bender.

Amour: No American has seen this film but it's here to show the world America kind of cares what's going on in the rest of the world but not really. Look, we elected Obama twice. We're not total imbeciles but do we have to prove it to you every year by nominating some foreign flick that moves at a mile per minute and says nothing in English? Be on the lookout for Amour 3D, though. I hear the subtitles really jump out at you.

Life of Pi: Any movie that's billed as a coming of age story that takes place almost entirely with the protagonist in solitude that doesn't include a ton of masturbation is just one fucking lie.

Argo: Ben Affleck gets to portray a hero in his own movie again. We've seen it all before. Ben Affleck can't close his mouth all the way which leads me to conclude he's a mouth breather. Ben Affleck plays the same role every time: Ben Affleck with slightly different hair styles. This time, the hair style was a beard but it was too well trimmed and manicured. Unbelievable.

Lincoln: If I wanted to see a movie about the greatest president ever I'd be waiting for the one about George W. Bush.

Beasts of the Southern Wild: This is the Academy's answer to including a foreign film. Let's just pick this movie that made no sense and nobody saw and everyone will think American film making is experiencing a revival. I've got news for you, movie-about-a-young-person-on-the-water, Life of Pi had better special effects so it's going to win.

Silver Linings Playbook: Bradley Cooper is a pupil in the Keanu Reeves school of acting. Ryan Reynolds is also in that school. If Ryan Reynolds is Keanu Reeves without the personality, what is Bradley Cooper? Bradley Cooper is Ryan Reynolds without the paycheck. At least Ryan Reynolds gets to play super heroes and gets a fat check for appearing on a box of french fries. What does Bradley Cooper have? Playing a public school teacher in 90% of the movies he makes.

Bradley Cooper doing an impression of every public school teacher I've ever known. 

Django Unchained: What is there to say about Django Unchained that hasn't yet been said? It's an ass-number. If movies continue this trend of being 2+ hours long, I'm just going to quit watching movies. That's the end of it. I can think of one scene that stuck out like  a sore thumb in this movie and if it would've been cut, the movie would have been just under 2 hours and I wouldn't be here typing with one hand and applying Preparation H with the other.

Zero Dark Thirty: A racist exploitation film.

Les Miserables: Why do people feel the need to make musicals out of novels? You don't seem that miserable when you're whistling while you work. You seem downright happy when you're breaking into song and dance while you're eating pigeon droppings and sewing up the holes in your boots.

Obviously, folks, nothing is going to win this year just like nobody won the Pulitzer Prize in fiction last year. The crop is just too crappy.


  1. Why do you hate public school teachers?