Monday, July 30, 2012

Does anyone in Iran believe this shit?

This shit. This is the shit I'm talking about. Does anyone in Iran believe it?

We're so used to seeing Iran as one whole mass of villainy but we're really only seeing the Ayatollah and that one short guy with a beard who looks like he's the type of guy that complains about the number of onions you put in his sandwich at Subway.

Further, does anyone believe this shit?

I refuse to believe the Iranian people buy this crap. If the West could really control the weather and cripple Iran, then why the hell is my corn in America getting more expensive? It must be an Iranian plot.

Maybe I have too much faith in humanity. 

In my own country we have some small time sheriff doing tricks in MSPaint to prove Obama was born in Kenya... and some people believe that shit. 

We also have Pat Robertson who sees every stray thundercloud as a sign from God... and some people believe that shit. 

We have a presidential candidate who has a dancing horse... I refuse to believe horses can dance but some people get $77,000 in tax breaks for it, can you believe that shit?

Some people make sweaters out of cat hair. Believe it.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Smoking Ordinance Crusader

I was outside enjoying a cigarette, well over 15 feet away from the Whole Foods entrance because I have respect for people who do not wish smoke to be near them, when some Billy No Fun came up to me and said, "You have to be 50 feet away from a building to smoke." 

Don't bogart me, dude.

The width of 6th street isn't even 50 feet and I would never be 50 feet away from any building. I knew this was bogus, this was just some baseball cap wearing 50 year old hall monitor who wanted to exercise his freedom to say dumb things. I was on a public sidewalk, avoiding people enjoying their meals and definitely more than 50 feet away from any building entrance.

But like a jackass, I put my head down and walked away. I knew he'd harangue me if I argued and I was smoking for stress-cessation. I wasn't going to get on his case for not minding his own business. 

The smoking ordinance in Austin is you have to be 15 feet away from a building entrance in order to smoke. You don't have to stand around in oncoming traffic just to enjoy tobacco. 

The guy didn't even work at Whole Foods. Just some vigilante. We don't need any more Batmen, sir. 

No shit, Batman. 

In other fun things, donate to Bank Heavy Press. They are a small press in Long Beach, CA and they have been pumping out consistently awesome work since their inception. They are funky and not afraid to be goofy. Lord knows literary scenes need some healthy dosages of goofiness and Long Beach, in particular, is a literary city that hugs weirdness. I'm not talking about experimental pseudo-intellectualism either. That's just plain goofy. Seriously, kick a few bucks to Bank Heavy.

Next on the "other fun things" list, I'm reading a new story currently titled, "The Bus Driver" at Foxing Quarterly's Reading and Book Swap. Foxing Quarterly is a brand new literary mag in Austin, TX and the last reading I did for them was a blast. Plenty of great readers will be there, plenty of great musicians will be there, plenty of great beards will be there. 

Last on the "other fun things" roll of paper, I sold out of my first printing of my chapbook, At the Thrift Store. A fresh batch of them are now in my hands though and ready to fly. So BUY it! Click anywhere on these last two sentences to buy it.  Cover art was drawn by Austin local Flippo and some interior art was done by one of my best friends, Jack Arambula in California. 

Speaking of California Jack, he and I collaborated on my Frankenstein 2010 series available as an ebook on Amazon. Click here to check it out and purchase. If you're an Amazon Prime member, it's free.

P.S. Here's my latest at the Austinist.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Brand spanking new chapbook

Howdy y'all.

I've released a brand spanking new chapbook titled, "At the Thrift Store." It has a healthy serving of poetry and three short stories. Cover art by Flippo.

Purchase! It's $5. Skip the $5 foot long today, why don't you?

Hobgoblin Japanese

There are a lot of these kind of Japanese people.
They spent their entire life picking rice.
I feel bad.

Makeshift rabbit fences have penises.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

New Yorker Caption Contest: Seinfeld Edition

"I built my house of brick but I have no one to fill it with. My brothers are dead."

"I hope you brought Kleenex!"

"This kid was a fucking mistake."

Friday, July 13, 2012

Upcoming readings

Hello Cheeser Nation.

I will be reading at the Fresh Meat Poets Showcase on Friday, July 20th. I'll be one of the first readers. Doors open at 7:30pm, show starts at 8pm. It'll be at Space12 on 3121 East 12th Street, Austin, TX. Here's a link to the Facebook event page.

I will also be reading at the Foxing Quarterly Book Swap on July 27. It starts at 9pm. I'll be reading a short story. Haven't decided which one. Here's a link to the Facebook event page.

Add those dates to your calendar. See you then. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaire

Raising taxes is hard sell in this country. Nobody likes looking at their gross amount and then looking at their actual take home amount. I doubt rich people with accountants do this but it is a deafening experience when you're working for minimum wage at a Subway. Taking off a dancing sandwich man costume to pick up your check only to see that all that sweat and all those names called at you meant less after the government took its share of your check.

Maybe they only took $20 off of the check. It sounds like nothing but it means a whole hell of a lot to the lower class. When I hear millionaires whine about being taxed effectively at the same proportion of the poor, I laugh. I say effectively because I know they get taxed at higher percentages but with all of their tax shelters, loopholes, etc etc they pay peanuts while we're paying dollars.

Mitt Romney put on his boat shoes today. He's the Republican version of John Kerry. I don't want to know you own racehorses or ride sail boats to the Cayman Islands- a place safe enough for your money to hide. As elitist as the laughably elite of the GOP tried to paint Obama, I'd just like them to take a look at this guy:

It's very hard for a human to look out of his element in jeans but Mitt Romney looks allergic. Why is he standing next to Anglo-Mao?

The reason why we're so against raising taxes on the rich is because we all think one day we're going to be rich. It ain't going to happen.

If schools are unfunded, there is no future. The working poor have been squeezed enough already. Close some loopholes for guys who shop for jeans at Neiman Marcus because they want to look like regular people. They're people, yes. A lot of them are good people. They are understandably attached to what they make. A Subway employee hates paying taxes as much as a billionaire but a Subway employee can't afford to pay more while a billionaire pays people to ensure they pay less.

Bullshit, I say.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

New feature: The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest. We're calling it the Roger Ebert.

Did you put a ham sandwich in my acid last night?

I swear by all that is holy, if you whistle through your nose again I am going to tear you apart, limb by limb and then rip off your fucking mustache and play your ears like they were harmonicas. Shut up.

Let's eat the parking attendant. 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Wichita Falls, Texas

Wichita Falls, Texas is one of those cities that is famous for being referred to as the "big city" in King of the Hill.

Wichita Falls doesn't feel as humid as San Antonio or Austin but it was a weird feeling walking around a cemetery and having grasshoppers fly into me. That hasn't happened before. Black crickets, yes. Cockroaches, it's happened. Grasshoppers are big and I haven't even seen one outside of a Disney movie that goes by the name of Pinocchio. They are exotic and no fun.

Speaking of the Wichita Falls cemetery, I stumbled upon this awesome gravestone:

I haven't seen anything like that before in my life and now my dream is to have a gravestone as cutting as that. It's like you can feel the curse the Curron family laid upon the coward who shot him in the back. 

I don't know what mine would say.

Killed in Austin, hit with a beer bottle and a used syringe by the homeless person under 35 and 6th

Mowed down in Austin, run over by a smart car by a hiking sandals wearing rich hippie

Ate an under cooked piece of tofu, prepared by the hands of a coward

A bat shit in his mouth

I'm never going to die though. This was a pointless exercise. 

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

July the Fourth, the only day to give a shit about

 Hello, fellow Americans! And if you're not American while reading this... Hello, future Americans!

How could you not want to be here? What's so great about the 20 revolutions France went through in 10 years? Not a damn thing.

What's so great about Great Britain? I can't think of a damn thing.

We are the land of George Washington, the Great Wig Wearer of the 18th century. When the British tried to impose taxes on things like tea, booze, and seafood, Mean Ol' George (as he was known by his slaves and Indians) sent a few good colonists on a suicide mission.
They took canoes, loaded them with TNT, and crossed the Atlantic just to make a neat explosion to scare the shit out of the Brits. The Brits were amused by our ancestors' simple mindedness.

They decided not to tax us but instead to annihilate us. With the help of a growing power in China, the Brits invaded the colonies quickly and decisively. It was a bleak scene. There really was no hope. George Washington and his son knew that if they got to Boston, where George's estranged wife was staying with her family, they would be alright. The Brits hadn't touched Boston yet according to Reuters.

When they got to Boston, the town was in ruins. George was sad and sat on a rock for a few days while inspiring soft rock music filled the air.

Around him, the world was collapsing. Within him, his world was collapsing.

Even though the colonists couldn't defeat the Brits with their intellect or military, Mother Nature helped out.

You see, the Brits weren't accustomed to American diseases such as rampant alcoholism and inflamed wrists associated with cracking whips. The Brits were powerless against it. George saw his chance. He summoned all the bar stool intellectuals he knew and asked them to bring weapons. They surrounded the British fort and murdered them mercilessly.

That, fellow and future Americans, is why George Washington is considered the Father of His Country.

Get drunk. Blow shit up. God Bless this Land Mass.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Ridiculous Political Rumors

The Obama hate machine pumped out plenty of rumors about his nationality and religion ever since he became the Democratic nominee in 2004. He was a Muslim, he was Kenyan, white-people-hating aliens placed him on earth to destroy all mankind, etc etc etc. You know the stuff.

The best the Romney hate machine can ask is, "Is Mitt Romney a unicorn?"

Of course he's not. He doesn't have a horn on his head and if he did he'd probably have two. He is a dashing white (most unicorns are) and his hair is perfect (all unicorns have great hair). Everything besides those two facts points in the direction that he is not.

Unicorns generally have rainbow flatulence. Unicorns generally take a stand on issues and they're always right. Mitt Romney takes multiple stands on issues. You never know if he's right.

Let's make a rumor that cuts to the core. Is Mitt Romney a polygamist? No. He's not.

But that doesn't matter in politics. The truth is stupid. Is Mitt Romney a polygamist? Prove he's not.