Wednesday, July 4, 2012

July the Fourth, the only day to give a shit about

 Hello, fellow Americans! And if you're not American while reading this... Hello, future Americans!

How could you not want to be here? What's so great about the 20 revolutions France went through in 10 years? Not a damn thing.

What's so great about Great Britain? I can't think of a damn thing.

We are the land of George Washington, the Great Wig Wearer of the 18th century. When the British tried to impose taxes on things like tea, booze, and seafood, Mean Ol' George (as he was known by his slaves and Indians) sent a few good colonists on a suicide mission.
They took canoes, loaded them with TNT, and crossed the Atlantic just to make a neat explosion to scare the shit out of the Brits. The Brits were amused by our ancestors' simple mindedness.

They decided not to tax us but instead to annihilate us. With the help of a growing power in China, the Brits invaded the colonies quickly and decisively. It was a bleak scene. There really was no hope. George Washington and his son knew that if they got to Boston, where George's estranged wife was staying with her family, they would be alright. The Brits hadn't touched Boston yet according to Reuters.

When they got to Boston, the town was in ruins. George was sad and sat on a rock for a few days while inspiring soft rock music filled the air.

Around him, the world was collapsing. Within him, his world was collapsing.

Even though the colonists couldn't defeat the Brits with their intellect or military, Mother Nature helped out.

You see, the Brits weren't accustomed to American diseases such as rampant alcoholism and inflamed wrists associated with cracking whips. The Brits were powerless against it. George saw his chance. He summoned all the bar stool intellectuals he knew and asked them to bring weapons. They surrounded the British fort and murdered them mercilessly.

That, fellow and future Americans, is why George Washington is considered the Father of His Country.

Get drunk. Blow shit up. God Bless this Land Mass.

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