Wednesday, October 17, 2012

I know how to solve the education funding problem

America, you need me.

I watched some documentary narrated by Matt Damon the other day. It depressed me. Teachers don't get paid well but they work hard. Teachers have to buy pens and pencils and other supplies for their kids because schools can't afford it. School funding gets slashed frequently for more necessary things like killing enemy combatants.

Obama talks about winning the future by increasing funding for science and math. This is a good start. This equips kids with skills that can be translated into the profitable endeavor of working for Boeing to create death vaporizers that orbit Earth. But why invest in the future when we can start now? My solution ensures that teachers will get paid more, schools will be better funded, and our enemies will be pissing their pants.

Every school should have a weapons making factory.

Kids will benefit from real world experience on an assembly line. The kids that "get" the math and science will be the future blue print makers while the kids that fail have a pretty sweet resume that will practically guarantee a job swinging a hammer at a missile.

Always wear dish washing gloves when preparing the napalm, Jimmy!

The military could make sweetheart deals with weapons manufacturers -- free child labor in exchange for supplying the school with adequate tools to teach kids things. We're a country in a constant state of war, training the next bomb makers at every level is a hell of a deal for America.

Do they need iPads in the classroom? Do they want iPads in the classroom? Why not? The Patriot missiles are coming out of the factories at record low costs -- throw the kids some cheese for their efforts. Dry erase board markers would practically be a given.

Total cost: giving into some teachers demands about not having enough No. 2 pencils for her students to complete standardized tests. 

Teachers wouldn't complain about working long hours because they would be paid as much as physicians. Kids wouldn't complain about going to school because bombs fucking rule. Who needs recess when you're learning how to make bunker busters and how to guide missiles with an Xbox controller?

This is a win-win for everybody, America. Let's do it!

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