Thursday, October 18, 2012

How to get free food at McDonalds

Listen up, America. I've got some hot tips for you. No more food stamps! No more being called a bottom sucking, ass licking, trash digging Democrat by our Republican overlords. We're going to take advantage of capitalism today, just like they'd love for us to do.

Write a letter to McDonald's corporate. Read below.

Dear Ronald McDonald,

The other day I was in your fine establishment on the corner of Fake and Silly Street in the beautiful state of Califlorida. I love McDonald's and eating Children McNuggets. The new cafe atmosphere appeals to my novel writing dream and, oh, don't get me started on WiFi. Two words: LOVIN' IT.

What surprised me to no end was that someone who claimed to work at McDonald's was directing the long lines in ways that frazzle comprehension. I was obviously next but this person allowed the wheelchair bound cutter go in front of me. I was appalled. So appalled I even thought about going across the street to Burger King. But I thought better of that act of gastroterrorism. My brother was once an employee of McDonald's and I know my brother isn't a liar and he told me that McDonald's has values that are better than allowing cutting. Tell me, Ronald, do you value cutting or do you value waiting your turn? This can determine the future of my McDonald's habit.

Look, I don't want to make empty threats but I don't know if I can walk into another McCafe if I am not adequately apologized to.

I love you,

Regis McIntyre

You gotta flatter 'em, folks. You have to establish your love for their chain by repeating their slogans (see last sentence of first paragraph above). You have to let them know that french fry grease runs through your veins. Then you have to let them know that you may never come back unless apologized to. But demand "adequately apologized to" because you open the apology to subjectivity. If the coupon they send you for a free McFlurry isn't enough, write another letter stating that one measly coupon for a treat you hardly ever order didn't meet your expectations of McDonald's own corporate values.

Write this letter to any fast food chain and I suggest writing this letter to multiple chains at once. Wait by your mailbox for your coupons and get free eating! Freeating!

Fuck food stamps, yay!

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