Monday, February 20, 2012

Is it President's Day or what the fuck?

Is this a day of celebration? What does one celebrate on President's Day?

Sure, the mail doesn't come but who doesn't just throw that shit out right when they get it? I'm behind on all my bills just because I don't open my birthday cards filled with money and leprechauns that fart money.

But I digress. Let's celebrate presidents.

George Washington was born from a virgin and had a genetic defect that gave him wooden teeth but also made his case of genital herpes flare up whenever he told a lie. So he stopped telling lies at the age of 4. The damage to his penis was so great by that time that his doctor told his parents he would never have children. Instead of having children, George bought up a bunch of slaves and took them as his own. He beat them mercilessly, made them work 18 hour days, and didn't pay them or say happy birthday to them just as he would have his own children. He died cold and alone because years before his death, his wife Martha was revealed to be a giant space slug and was transported back to her home planet. His children (slaves) only showed up to the funeral to find out who inherited them in George's will.

Thomas Jefferson had a terrible case of wearing women's nylons and high heels. He liked to tear holes in them and prance around the White House lawn singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart.

Yes, we do. 

Howard Taft was addicted to Slim Jims, Monster Energy drinks, and destroying every toilet he ever sat on. He promised his friends that he'd lose weight but he was more just telling them, "I know I have a problem but I am mentally incapable of overcoming my addictions so really, fuck off."

Ronald Reagan found himself in the White House on accident. He was just wandering around searching for his keys, stumbled into the GOP primary and they elected him! Known as the luckiest case of senility, Ronald Reagan went on to threaten the entire world with nuclear apocalypse only to invite them later to play a game of Pictionary. Gorbachev always let Reagan win because Reagan got absolutely fucking nuts whenever he and his wife lost. His wife would also apologize profusely for not recognizing his squiggly drawings for the masterpieces they were.

Barack Obama is currently looking into the mirror thanking God that Santorum hates women and Romney is the most insincere human being on the planet. His renovations to the White House, making it one giant bounce house, will likely be concealed for another four years.

No comments:

Post a Comment