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Things to do on Valentine's Day:

1. Look at yourself in the mirror and not recognize your reflection. You're cold and alone and the pimples on your chest won't pop themselves.

2. Watch romantic comedies but you don't understand why they're called "comedies" because all romance to you is a tragedy.

3. Go to the grocery store and buy a bouquet of flowers and a heart shaped box. The teenaged cashier will look at you in befuddlement. Sweatpants and huaraches do not a married man make. You will give him hope. He doesn't have to know that you really just like chocolates and flowers as complements to a rerun of Maury. 

4. Cook some ramen. Season it with tears. 

5. Sales of Kleenex are on the rise today. Buy an off brand to do something nice for the sweatshop slaves who make them. 

6. Read blogs for a couple of hours then open up a Google Chrome incognito window and do what you really aimed to do. 

7. Love yourself. (Genesis 38:8-10)

8. Get reservations at an expensive restaurant but skip out on them and buy a 20 piece chicken McNugget meal for yourself instead.

9. Plan to call your mom on February 15. The only woman in the world who loves you and you can't even wish her a happy Valentine's Day. 

10. Fall asleep watching Married With Children reruns.

11. Read this.