Thursday, March 29, 2012

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: Hunger Games edition

Hunger Games. It's the movie based on a book that all the pre-teens, teens, and barely literate, curiously teen-obsessed adults are eating all up. It's Twilight but with no sexual tension and plenty of starving people.

Hunger Games starts off with a character named Knut. She's a girl. She's hungry. But in the society of the movie, you have to play games to eat. These Nazi Fascist Stalinists make children play hopscotch for hours on end before they get half of a Happy Meal.

Well Knut is sick of this shit. She's sick of being hungry, she's sick of hopscotch, her knees are tired, and she's got 5 more years until she's an adult and doesn't have to put up with this crap anymore. She decides to do something.

Fuck these kids, they don't look hungry. 

She buys a fake ID and walks into a McDonalds and orders right off the menu. No games, no bullshit, all Chicken McNugget, baby.

Then she learns of the alluring power of alcohol. She gets drunk, becomes a bum, begs for money and loses sight of what's important. One day she sees a vision of Jesus.

"Hey, Knut," Jesus says.

"Yes, Lord?"

"You're a fuck up," and then Jesus disappears.

She makes her long journey home, cuts up her fake ID, and tells her parents she's hungry.

The closing shot is of her bruised and bloody knees playing hopscotch.

All's well that ends well, I guess.

What did I think of this movie? Nothing. I found my dwindling supply of popcorn more interesting to watch as I ate it. No hopscotch needed, assholes. I'm an adult.

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