Friday, March 30, 2012

Keith Olbermann's first draft of his apology letter

I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for anything ever.

I am pompous and I am righteous in everything I do. I retired "Worst Persons" because I am always right. Rightness is evolving. I wasn't wrong when I did "Worst Persons" I was just right at the time and woo, dolly, the times they's a changing.

I think. I think hard. 

Regardless of all that horse shit, Current, my ex-current employer, has decided that I no longer fit in with their corporate soulless model of loyalty and some other blah blah blahs I didn't give a shit to read when I signed their contract in my urine. I was promised a fucking pony and all I got was a great steed. This was the first of many wrongs placed upon my freakishly large head.

I wear a crown of thorns. Everywhere I go, I get kicked out of. When I was at ESPN they fired me because they said, "No sportscaster should have an ego that big." I was in a room full of uneducated peons who didn't like it when I sat in a chair and read stories by James Thurber.

When I left ESPN and got a job at MSNBC, I decided to be quiet. I fit in. The only other place in the world where my head would look small in comparison would be at the World Museum for Bobbleheads. I continued my James Thurber-creepy-grandpa-in-a-rocking-chair routine and they ate it all up. When I asked for a better rocking chair, I was fired.

This guy, his name is Hardball, still works at MSNBC proving that my literal 'big head' didn't get me fired. So fuck you, corporate media spin meisters. 

Formerly currently at Current, I have had bad attendance. Admittedly. But you can't expect a star of my caliber to actually show up to work when I can just sit home and watch my own portrait being painted, can you?! I refused to cover the Iowa caucuses because there just wasn't enough star power there. Can I be blamed?!

I didn't expect that when I got hired I would actually have to clock in and work. Current is being run like a McDonalds' franchise and that is patently fascist. Al Gore, you're a fucking dick.

Look out for my next big, earth shattering move when I announce my next show being streamed exclusively through RealMedia Player.

Yours truly,

Lord Olbermann

P.S. Every comment is "special" when I'm the one making it.

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