Words you shouldn't say on the internet if you don't want the government peeking into your shit

I don't know anything about the Daily Mail. I also don't know anything about our government. So it's a wash.

Supposedly, the limey bastards at the Daily Mail got their fingers on the list of words that'll get the government erect on your personal things.

Included on that list is a word. That word is, "pork."

So don't go around saying you want to pork your johnson.

Another word on that list is, "infection."

If, after porking your johnson, you get an infection you will need to practice better hand cleansing techniques.

North Korea.

Do not, for God's sake, pork your johnson in North Korea. An infection is inevitable.

Human to human, human to animal.

If your hand is not sufficient, human to human porking is preferable to human to animal. Infection is more likely in cases of human to animal in North Korea.

Body scanner, Ice.

If you cannot finish porking, think of baseball before going through a body scanner. If that only arouses you more, go to the bar and fetch some ice.

Phreaking, facility.

If the ice doesn't help, you're phreaking out of luck unless you can find a facility to relieve yourself discreetly.

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Operation Offend Arizona: Ken Bennett edition

Hawaii's giving Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett one dick of a time verifying Obama's birth. Hawaii's probably sick of this shit. Once they've verified, it's never enough and there'll need to be more verification.

I want to see Romney's birth certificate and I also want to verify none of his family members are illegal immigrants. I also want to verify that none of his ancestors were enemies of the state as Mormon polygamists. There are a lot of things I want to verify but Romney's skin color is the right shade of pale so fuck it.

Arizona is falling down some crazy rabbit hole. What makes this more fun is that Ken Bennett is Mitt Romney's campaign co-chair in Arizona. He's going to stack the deck by keeping Obama off the ballot.

You say there's no class war? It's here. Can't do enough to keep Mexicans from voting? Take the candidate they're most likely to vote for off the ballot. I hate using the word 'fascist' to describe things I don't like but seriously, these guys are fucking fascists. There's no two ways about it.

Real life Cletus from the Simpsons.

Ken Bennett has the eyes of a serial masturbater who looks deeply within his own eyes in the mirror searching for his own soul. He goes to bed at night and is awakened by the haunting reality that he can't even recognize himself. His wife sleeps with her back to him and whenever he goes to touch her, his fingers are cold and corpse like. His soul is rotting from the outside in. It's only a matter of time before he seeks solace in his credit card and meth and does feats of self-pleasure on street corners for money once the credit line is run out.

I feel sorry for you, Ken Bennett.

Now they're protecting tax-dodging traitors

The GOP as it breathes today makes absolutely no sense to me.

Facebook founding fuck, Eduardo Saverin leaves the US because he's already sucked all the milk out of America's education system, enjoyed the protections of America's military, and so on and now he doesn't want to pay his fair share. So he renounces his citizenship to avoid paying taxes.

Is this at all defensible to the self-proclaimed patriotic and 'pro-America' party?

Why, yes. Of course it is. Wealth comes before God and country.

Eduardo Saverin took everything he could, helped found a company that saw its full wealth in the United States of America and his 'thank you' to his country is to run out on the bill without even leaving a tip.

If the GOP wants to call out the 'welfare' state, why not point the finger at Saverin? That's right. The rich, who have money, shouldn't pay taxes, shouldn't be patriotic and should be able to leave as soon as something they don't like happens. While the poor work until they die, pay for a system that doesn't support them but props up oil companies and social media masturbators, sign up to fight and die for a country that doesn't give a shit about them, and are frequently being blamed for the ills of our country.

We bailed the rich out once. Let it never happen again.

It's time for the GOP to wake up and stop bothering with trying to protect foreign interests. Eduardo Saverin is a foreign interest.

Sean Penn is a blow hard

Sean Penn recently spoke at a Haiti Fundraiser and used lots of spicy language to get a bunch of rich people riled up and ready to donate money to Haiti.

"Fuck 'em," he said, "if they say you're just writing a check. You're making a difference."

You're not just writing a check. You are the check.

No. You're just writing a check. Rich people can do that. All the world's problems can be avoided by writing checks for large amounts of money.

"Oh, my God! People are starving you say? Here's a check for 2,000 dollars so I'll never have to think about it again. It's ruining my appetite. The mere thought stains my designer tuxedo! Waiter! Caviar, please!"

Rich western hemisphere-ers also have a Savior complex. Remember Invisible Children? The blonde haired, blue eyed, dancing, boy wonders that thought that just by raising awareness about a bad guy on the other side of the world would somehow stop his misdeeds. Something to the extent of, 'Uganda isn't taking advantage of this horrendous human being through a slick marketing campaign. So we'll raise money, pay ourselves 70% of the funds raised and then funnel the rest of the 30% into Uganda's corrupt government. Everyone will think we're saving the world and we can feel good about ourselves for making a slick video about the beauty of human life starring white people and then make a real life black guy the bad guy.' Just like every Hollywood turd pile ever made.

He wasn't worried about the fines. All the money you raised to help him get Kony affords him the luxury of naked meltdowns that we regular people wouldn't dare. 

I'm not saying it isn't noble to worry about what's happening in the world. I'm not saying you shouldn't write checks to do some good. I haven't said what I'm saying, so here it is:

The arrogant rich say continually that America is the richest country in the world. Why, then, is there a war on our own poor? Our schools are turning into prisons. Our poor students are being taught that there is no hope except for prison. We have hungry children. We have shanty towns. There is hopelessness in America. So when you're wining and dining with all of your glitzy Hollywood pals remember to get your head out of your ass and realize that not every American is as lucky as you are to just be able to write a check and be baptized of any guilt.

Can a 9-year old be a psychopath?

Yes.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-you-call-a-9-year-old-a-psychopath.html?_r=4&ref=magazine&pagewanted=all

I don't know what we were thinking

Many years ago I lived with two roommates in Long Beach, CA. We all had artistic ideas and other blah blah blah like that. We started the magazine Beggars & Cheeseburgers as the final outgrowth of whatever we were always talking about.

Beggars & Cheeseburgers started somewhere else, though. We planned to make a comic about mundane people having super powers that they used to overcome annoyances. We made one version of it and never came back to it. That eventually led to Beggars & Cheeseburgers which was, for as long as it lasted, a pretty successful zine.

I just dug through my hard drive and found the comic that started it all.

I remember we wanted to post these up as posters around the city so that each "issue" would be at a different location whenever it came out and we'd have a website telling people where to go see it. It's still a workable and decent idea, I think.

The first comic, pretty bizarre.