Domino's is hiring

Domino's wants you to compete for a minimum wage job. Is there anything more demeaning than unveiling this through a commercial with a $600 toy being used to compete for said job?

If you have the time to compete for a minimum wage job on a $600 toy, you're probably not in dire need of that job.

An iPad probably tastes better than a Domino's pizza anyways.

The Black Keys and why they suck

The Black Keys - two nerdy art school types who studied the human soul in music intensely in hopes of one day pretending that they possess soul in their own music. Everything in their music is lifeless and dull and made with a mathematical precision completely devoid of passion or the soul of those they try so hard to imitate.

Quick! Take a picture of me fixing my tie. Quick! Catch my beard before it quits my face because I suck too much ass. 

Even on their first few albums (which Black Keys fans will tell you are 'better' if you don't like their new stuff) you could hear the utter lack of any emotional depth. Recording in low-fi was merely a calculated move to sound soulful and passionate (like old blues records). Many fell for it and as soon as their popularity grew, in came the slick manufacturing of their albums and videos. They are marketers and publicists before they are blues musicians.

True story: I once said, "I like the blues" to someone and they wet their pants with glee.

"I love the blues! My favorite band is the Black Keys!"

This person was an accountant. Soullessness pervades that profession. The Black Keys would fit in well.

Truth is, I never liked them. I suppose they're good at making non-pop pop music but it still stinks like gangrene assholes to me. Maybe that's the problem. It's pop music dressed up as indie or underground or whatever white hipster intellectuals want to call it to get as close to African American roots music as they can without having to listen to it. It's pop music with fuzzy sounding guitars. It ain't special. It still has the emotional range and depth of a Britney Spears concert. I'm not saying all music has to be more than pop music, I'm just saying can't we all stop pretending that it isn't? Fuzzy guitars do not a good song make.

Fuck the Black Keys.

Me and Bam-Bam are so tight that he emails me every night

I made the mistake of donating to Barack Obama this election cycle. I don't regret giving the man my money. I regret giving him my email address.

With subject lines like, "My best friend," "It's me again," "Almost forgot," you'd think I was actually having a decent back and forth conversation with him. Nope. Each one his hand is out asking for money. I don't blame him. He's running against a man who pisses gold flakes and shits $100s. 

I think it's a good idea for the Barack Obama campaign to have a "Take my name off your email list donation drive." Everyone who donates at least $10 will get emails less frequently while everyone who donates up to a $100 will get emails with less frequency all the way until they don't get any more emails at all. The people who participate in that are the most valuable because, A) they read your emails, and B) they donate based on what they read.

Yeah, so maybe nix the idea. 

Sweaty foot dollar

I don't care who you are. You do not pay people in bills that are soiled and warmed by your foot sweat.

Yes, you ran and the only place to put your money was in your shoe. That's no excuse. Don't run if you really need to buy a book afterwards or run home and get your money before you shop. If you're that hit up for time and you're comfortable enough to put cash in your shoes while you run, you're probably comfortable enough to wrap a paper towel around that cash, put it in a sandwich bag and putting that in your shoe.

A sweaty lady came into my place of work. She tells me, "My money's in my shoe."

"That's disgusting," I says.

No shame, no pause as she takes off her shoe and dumps out a stinky and wet $20. I grabbed 3-4 tissues and grabbed the bill, choking on her disgustingness and my own hatred for humanity.

Get that shit out of here.

I made a show of putting the $20 way at the bottom of my stack of 20s so that I wouldn't have to come in contact with it.

Later, some dickhead paid for a 90 cent postcard with a $100 bill. How did I create justice in a terminally unjust world? I dug to the bottom of my stack of 20s for the sweaty foot dollar and gave him that as part of his change.

Some dickhead. 

He didn't know it was a sweaty foot dollar. No big deal.

I practically took the skin off of my palms with anti-bacterial soap after he left.

Lessons: You don't deserve feet if you put your money in your shoe while you run.

You don't deserve unsoiled change if you pay for things (that can be paid for with coins) with a $100. You're just showing off that you're wealthier than me. I know you are. I work at the bookstore you're shopping at. That tells me everything I need to know about my class in comparison to yours. Get out of my face.

Niacin makes your face feel like Satan is fucking it

I took a B complex supplement this morning because it seemed like a cool thing to do. Here I am, some cool guy shopping at some cool and hip grocery store, being served by people with nose rings and neck tattoos, making me feel guilty for forgetting reusable bags, and buying Vitamin B complex supplements.

I take it this morning and 10 minutes later I feel a burning sensation on my face.

"Is my face red?"

"Your face is always red in the morning."

"Are you sure? It's really burning."

I don't know who the hell this guy is but when I searched "niacin flush" this was the only image that wasn't of some veiny body builder.

"Oh, yeah. It's really red."

If I could describe the exact hue of red it was it would be somewhere between the devil's asshole and his scrotum. So a tainty red.

I splashed water on my face to no avail.

Gradually the redness went away and my face stopped tingling but I think the B vitamins are doing their job because I am way more relaxed today than I was yesterday.

Niacin: your face will turn red and you will be miserable for a short period of time.

Pellagra: eat some Niacin so your legs don't fall off.

Technological breakthrough

Scientists in Japan have created a robotic ass with the goal of expanding the emotional ranges of robotic technology.

Meet Shiri:


Can the ass recreate the emotion of fear? Because whenever I'm scared, I shit my pants.

Thank you, Japan.

Fat guy in a box wants some of that SHIRI.

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: May Movie Roundup

Dark Shadows: a thinly veiled excuse for Johnny Depp to wear makeup and dress as an androgynous dim wit and sing a few songs. Basically watch every movie he's ever been in, subtract depth, and you have this movie. 

BUFF JESUS WILL KILL YOU.

God Bless America: it cost $100 million to make yet still manages to look like a cheap Mitt Romney SuperPAC stunt. The God blessing America in this movie is Voltron, Mormon God of the Kingdom of Isidor. Voltron has a bone to pick with Protestant Jesus and Catholic Jesus. "They're not muscular enough," Voltron is once heard saying. So Voltron builds a Stalin-era styled temple in Salt Lake City and builds Muscular Jesus (aka Mormon Jesus). The Heavens open up and Mastador, Mormon God of the Kingdom of Earth, grants Voltron Godship over Earth and Voltron blesses America specifically because the number of white people in it. He blesses Mitt Romney as his eternal prophet, second only to Gorzon - Voltron's only son. The movie ends with Muscular Mitt Romney breaking the chains of slavery, flexing and screaming, "VOTE FOR ME!" It's harder to understand than Jesus in gym doing kegel exercises.  

Lilly, the world's next Dakota Fanning.

Tonight You're Mine: a love story about a man and his pet chihuahua with a backdrop of Scotland's music festival which is most famous for nobody knowing its significance. The title line is delivered by the man when he sees the chihuahua sniffing an asshole that wasn't his. In the age of 50 Shades of Grey, men who are dominant and controlling assholes with sexual quirks ranging from BDSM to bestiality (this movie) are now considered deep and romantic. Bring your Kleenex and tone up those kegels!

The Cup: a riveting documentary by world acclaimed director Ron Howard about the cup after his starring role in 2 Girls 1 Cup. This movie is shitty. 

A Bag of Hammers: dumber than