Friday, January 27, 2012

Wherein I make fun of Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin is an amazing American figure. Who else memorizes America by heart? I'm such a neanderthal that I can't even fathom what that entails. Good for her.

She harbors some prejudices. She hates cannibals almost as much as she hates the "left." It's a well known fact, though, that she uses a Sharpie to mark her right and left hands with R and L respectively so she never gets confused about who she should hate when she witnesses an argument. If you're on her left, watch out. If she turns around -- watch out, other person with whom she previously agreed.

Drudge links directly to Sarah Palin's Facebook notes articles whenever she manages to save up enough money to get a half literate sea turtle to take her dictations.

Here's her article. Click on it. Sarah Palin is smiling at you as you read with a kind of envious look because hey, you can read.

Some of my favorite parts:
The Republican establishment which fought Ronald Reagan in the 1970s and which continues to fight the grassroots Tea Party movement today has adopted the tactics of the left in using the media and the politics of personal destruction to attack an opponent.
 She hates when people are mean to each other and acts like it's a surprise when people are in politics. I seem to recall a GOP primary in 2000 in which George W claimed McCain's adopted Indian daughter was an African American love child. Seems that the "left" was far away from that shit. The "left" was busy trying to animate the Gore corpse into something lovable.
We will look back on this week and realize that something changed.
Yes, we will. We will look back on this week and realize that Newt was never going to be the GOP nominee no matter how good his whining and complaining about being attacked sounded. Look, you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a -- HOLY SHIT NEWT'S A TALKING PIG.
I have fought in tough and heated contested primaries myself. But what we have seen in Florida this week is beyond the pale. It was unprecedented in GOP primaries. I’ve seen it before – heck, I lived it before – but not in a GOP primary race.
Somehow I don't think the GOP primary for mayor of Wasilla gets too tough. "She once tried to milk a moose!" doesn't sound as bad as, "I SWEAR TO FREAKING GOD I SAW NEWT KISSING PIGS AND HE HAD A CURLY TAIL." To be fair to Newt, pigs are pretty smart.
Newt is an imperfect vessel for Tea Party support, but in South Carolina the Tea Party chose to get behind him instead of the old guard’s choice.
This is an example of a sentence that says absolutely nothing. This is a sentence you put into an essay to meet an arbitrary word count. It is also false. Newt is a perfect vessel. He's got enough air in his head that I'll bet his whole body floats. But can we give up on this not-a-Washington-insider bullshit? Newt Gingrich is more of a Washington insider than Romney because Gingrich can actually string together a few wins here and there.

Sarah Palin, here's one clue to as to how you know when you're no longer relevant: You're updating your Facebook more than my Jesus lovin' 34 year old cousin who still lives with her ma. Drudge linking to it doesn't mean much because Drudge links to tons of irrelevant shit.

On another note, I'd like to review Sarah Palin's America By Heart. Anyone want to send me a copy so I'm not fueling her drug addiction?

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