Newt won't oink when the media's in town

This just in!

Newt "Talking Pig" Gingrich, who prides himself on being a master debater and cunning linguist, says he will not debate President Obama if any bad haircuts in the media moderate.

The saga of our beloved sow continues. Please, will somebody pull his tail?

This man deserves to be treated fairly. The debate should be moderated by Sarah Palin who has the ability to pack 300 words into a single sentence. Compared to Obama's State of the Union (written at an 8th grade level!), Sarah speaks at a 100th grade level.

She's basically senile.

Palinistas love me

File this under awesome.

A pro-Palin website linked to our article, "Wherein I make fun of Sarah Palin."

It is here.

All Hail Chief Empress of the United States of America, Sarah Palin.

Wherein I make fun of Sarah Palin

This artist gives everyone a pancake hat. What does it mean?

Sarah Palin is an amazing American figure. Who else memorizes America by heart? I'm such a neanderthal that I can't even fathom what that entails. Good for her.

She harbors some prejudices. She hates cannibals almost as much as she hates the "left." It's a well known fact, though, that she uses a Sharpie to mark her right and left hands with R and L respectively so she never gets confused about who she should hate when she witnesses an argument. If you're on her left, watch out. If she turns around -- watch out, other person with whom she previously agreed.

Drudge links directly to Sarah Palin's Facebook notes articles whenever she manages to save up enough money to get a half literate sea turtle to take her dictations.

Here's her article. Click on it. Sarah Palin is smiling at you as you read with a kind of envious look because hey, you can read.

Some of my favorite parts:

The Republican establishment which fought Ronald Reagan in the 1970s and which continues to fight the grassroots Tea Party movement today has adopted the tactics of the left in using the media and the politics of personal destruction to attack an opponent.

 She hates when people are mean to each other and acts like it's a surprise when people are in politics. I seem to recall a GOP primary in 2000 in which George W claimed McCain's adopted Indian daughter was an African American love child. Seems that the "left" was far away from that shit. The "left" was busy trying to animate the Gore corpse into something lovable.

We will look back on this week and realize that something changed.

Yes, we will. We will look back on this week and realize that Newt was never going to be the GOP nominee no matter how good his whining and complaining about being attacked sounded. Look, you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a -- HOLY SHIT NEWT'S A TALKING PIG.

I have fought in tough and heated contested primaries myself. But what we have seen in Florida this week is beyond the pale. It was unprecedented in GOP primaries. I’ve seen it before – heck, I lived it before – but not in a GOP primary race.

Somehow I don't think the GOP primary for mayor of Wasilla gets too tough. "She once tried to milk a moose!" doesn't sound as bad as, "I SWEAR TO FREAKING GOD I SAW NEWT KISSING PIGS AND HE HAD A CURLY TAIL." To be fair to Newt, pigs are pretty smart.

Newt is an imperfect vessel for Tea Party support, but in South Carolina the Tea Party chose to get behind him instead of the old guard’s choice.

This is an example of a sentence that says absolutely nothing. This is a sentence you put into an essay to meet an arbitrary word count. It is also false. Newt is a perfect vessel. He's got enough air in his head that I'll bet his whole body floats. But can we give up on this not-a-Washington-insider bullshit? Newt Gingrich is more of a Washington insider than Romney because Gingrich can actually string together a few wins here and there.

Sarah Palin, here's one clue to as to how you know when you're no longer relevant: You're updating your Facebook more than my Jesus lovin' 34 year old cousin who still lives with her ma. Drudge linking to it doesn't mean much because Drudge links to tons of irrelevant shit.

On another note, I'd like to review Sarah Palin's America By Heart. Anyone want to send me a copy so I'm not fueling her drug addiction?

Last Call: The Bukowski Legacy Continues

Howdy, all.

This post right here is to inform y'all that one of our very own is an a compilation of Bukowski inspired stories, poetry, and essays.

Andrew Hilbert's poem, "Smoke Follows Beauty," is in the mix. We're thinking you should get yourself a copy.

Here's a list of all the folks that contributed:

CC Russell, Pris Campbell, GH Hill, Michael C. Ford, Henry Denander, G. Murray Thomas, Ellaraine Lockie, Rebecca Morrison, Frank Reardon, Andrew Hilbert, Mende Smith, Mike Adams, Ben Smith, Mark Terrill, Doug Holder, HL Thomas, Charles Ries, John Dorsey, Father Luke, Jay Alamares, Michael Thompson, Bretton B. Holmes, Ian Rawkinrec, John Yamrus, Michael Lefanto, FN Wright, Gerry Niccosia, Joan Jobe Smith, Alan Catlin, Eric Djaeger, Bill Gainer, A.D. Winans, Doug Draime, Lawrence Welsh, Ed Jamieson Jr., Joe Speer, Joy Buckley, Jayne Lyn Stahl, Rick Smith, William Taylor Jr., Edward Field, Gerry Locklin, Isaac Edwards, Linda Lerner, Neeli Cherkovski, Michael Meloan, John Macker, Marc Olmstead, Alex Thiltges, Michael Basinski, D. A.  Pratt, Anne Menebroker, Abel Debritto, and RD Armstrong.

Movies You Don't Want To See Reviewed by Somebody Who Didn't See Them - One Sentence Round Up

The Artist - Too loud.

Red Tails - George Lucas proves he can make a bad movie in any color.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Replace "Loud" with "Long" and "Close" with "I can't believe I wasted my money and my time with this shit."

Haywire - Like the critically acclaimed television series, 'the Wire,' but with more cows.

Beauty & the Beast 3D - Boredom gets better in 3D.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo - You don't have to read the book to know it sucks and you don't have to see the movie to know the book sucks.

Joyful Noise - The only time I heard what the movie is named after was when it was over and the whole audience laid a collective "Thank God" fart.

Underworld Awakening - Don't know, wasn't awake. #DKWA

Contraband - Is this starring Mark Wahlberg or Matt Damon or Leonardo DiCaprio or Denzel Washington? They're all the same these days.

Kill List - Pinkos making movies about Commies.

The Cheesepaper Bookstore is no longer empty

Yo, folks.

The Cheesepaper Bookstore is no longer empty. 

The first two issues of Beggars & Cheeseburgers is now available through Google eBooks for $2.28 each. You can also purchase through Austin's best independent bookstore, BookPeople for $3.00. It's a little more expensive there since they've gotta get theirs but it supports independent brick-n-mortars and all that other blah blah blah. 

Click here to go to the store and see what's coming up next.

Stay tuned for more content as this site readies a full launch at the end of January. 

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Welcome to the Cheesepaper

Two years ago four people met at the Campus Billiards in Cypress, CA to name a magazine. As many names were thrown out as beers were poured.

We were idealists. We wanted our magazine to be strictly print. Strictly newsprint at that. 

The name of that magazine was Beggars & Cheeseburgers and I'll be God-damned if I didn't say that magazine kicked ass. I'd also be God-damned if I said I don't miss putting that magazine together. 

Printing costs a lot of money. More money than can ever be made back for a magazine to run even quarterly. All of our "From the Editors" columns were basically Psalms to the Church of Print.

In 2011, I moved to San Antonio, TX. We still managed to pull off a third issue despite my being halfway across the country from the magazine's circulation, its printer, and the other editors. 

Long story short, after a too-long-hiatus we are finally going to resurrect Beggars & Cheeseburgers. This site, the Cheesepaper, will be dedicated to the same kind of weird shit we were dedicated to at the magazine. We will also start publishing an eBook version of the magazine.

Soon, the first three issues will be up on this site... warts and all. The fourth issue is forthcoming.

This site will have many of our columns and comics regularly. The Beggars & Cheeseburgers magazine will be developed separately.

Also, look to the top right. There's a Twitter feed connected to Marvin Fruchter's While I Shit: Thoughts on the Pot. Marvin Fruchter will update us every time he shits. 

Keep on cheesin'.

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