How to get free food at McDonalds

Listen up, America. I've got some hot tips for you. No more food stamps! No more being called a bottom sucking, ass licking, trash digging Democrat by our Republican overlords. We're going to take advantage of capitalism today, just like they'd love for us to do.

Write a letter to McDonald's corporate. Read below.

Dear Ronald McDonald,

The other day I was in your fine establishment on the corner of Fake and Silly Street in the beautiful state of Califlorida. I love McDonald's and eating Children McNuggets. The new cafe atmosphere appeals to my novel writing dream and, oh, don't get me started on WiFi. Two words: LOVIN' IT.

What surprised me to no end was that someone who claimed to work at McDonald's was directing the long lines in ways that frazzle comprehension. I was obviously next but this person allowed the wheelchair bound cutter go in front of me. I was appalled. So appalled I even thought about going across the street to Burger King. But I thought better of that act of gastroterrorism. My brother was once an employee of McDonald's and I know my brother isn't a liar and he told me that McDonald's has values that are better than allowing cutting. Tell me, Ronald, do you value cutting or do you value waiting your turn? This can determine the future of my McDonald's habit.

Look, I don't want to make empty threats but I don't know if I can walk into another McCafe if I am not adequately apologized to.

I love you,

Regis McIntyre


You gotta flatter 'em, folks. You have to establish your love for their chain by repeating their slogans (see last sentence of first paragraph above). You have to let them know that french fry grease runs through your veins. Then you have to let them know that you may never come back unless apologized to. But demand "adequately apologized to" because you open the apology to subjectivity. If the coupon they send you for a free McFlurry isn't enough, write another letter stating that one measly coupon for a treat you hardly ever order didn't meet your expectations of McDonald's own corporate values.

Write this letter to any fast food chain and I suggest writing this letter to multiple chains at once. Wait by your mailbox for your coupons and get free eating! Freeating!

Fuck food stamps, yay!

I know how to solve the education funding problem

America, you need me.

I watched some documentary narrated by Matt Damon the other day. It depressed me. Teachers don't get paid well but they work hard. Teachers have to buy pens and pencils and other supplies for their kids because schools can't afford it. School funding gets slashed frequently for more necessary things like killing enemy combatants.

Obama talks about winning the future by increasing funding for science and math. This is a good start. This equips kids with skills that can be translated into the profitable endeavor of working for Boeing to create death vaporizers that orbit Earth. But why invest in the future when we can start now? My solution ensures that teachers will get paid more, schools will be better funded, and our enemies will be pissing their pants.

Every school should have a weapons making factory.

Kids will benefit from real world experience on an assembly line. The kids that "get" the math and science will be the future blue print makers while the kids that fail have a pretty sweet resume that will practically guarantee a job swinging a hammer at a missile.

Always wear dish washing gloves when preparing the napalm, Jimmy!

The military could make sweetheart deals with weapons manufacturers -- free child labor in exchange for supplying the school with adequate tools to teach kids things. We're a country in a constant state of war, training the next bomb makers at every level is a hell of a deal for America.

Do they need iPads in the classroom? Do they want iPads in the classroom? Why not? The Patriot missiles are coming out of the factories at record low costs -- throw the kids some cheese for their efforts. Dry erase board markers would practically be a given.

Total cost: giving into some teachers demands about not having enough No. 2 pencils for her students to complete standardized tests. 

Teachers wouldn't complain about working long hours because they would be paid as much as physicians. Kids wouldn't complain about going to school because bombs fucking rule. Who needs recess when you're learning how to make bunker busters and how to guide missiles with an Xbox controller?

This is a win-win for everybody, America. Let's do it!

Romney's binders full of women

Romney has binders full of women. So do Roman and Alby Grant.

Treehouse of Horror XXIII

The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror episodes are the only Simpsons episodes I look forward to. I was getting pumped about it like my bro Paul Ryan up there and then realized it aired last week.

Thanks, Obama.

Paul Ryan's thoughts

Fuck you, bro. I forgot my towel. YOU wipe it down.

Give me some pumping space, dog. 

Are you taking a picture? Fuck you, bro. I'm just sitting here trying to look cool.

You don't like this red hat? Fuck you, the guy who spots me doesn't like my blue hat.

Hell yeah, I wear Saucony. What do you wear? Huaraches? Please. 

I like cross fit. I hate fat, ugly, horrendous, poor people. Fuck you.

For every Ayn Rand, there's a male spotter telling her to breathe. Fuck you, dumbshit.

Let me tell you about the Mitt Romney I know. This is a guy who believes he will be God of his own planet some day. 

When I'm not posing for Time Magazine, I'm in my lifted truck wearing Tapout t-shirts, drinking Monster, and calling women bitches while I drive. FUCK YEAH.

Do you listen to Nickelback? No? You don't know what you're missing. 

I hang out with guys with big muscles and when my wife asks me where I've been all night, I ignore her and drink another beer and tell her to shut the hell up and rub my feet. 

I come from Wisconsin and I like cheese and I like when my bros don't point out that I'm actually lactose intolerant. Obama and his death panel squads won't recognize it for the life altering bullshit that that is. 

My eyebrows are thick.

No words

Is this the kind of guy you want working out near you much less one Zoltron Calling away from running your country? 

My Talking Dog

Head on over to the Ppigpenn to read my latest story, "My Talking Dog." Click anywhere on this sentence, dude.

Romney's relationship with birds

Twenty-somethings RULE!

Look at this spoiled little shit rapping and breaking things while getting paid by some corporate monster his image seemingly has no regard for. Machine Gun Kelly. He must have named himself after the Time Crisis 2 arcade guns.

He kinda looks like my old meth head roommate. I bet my old meth addict roommate has his mixtape.

Speaking of my meth-addicted roommate: he did listen to rap that claimed to hate America, corporations, and white people and all of the rappers he listened to were white. This is referred to as "meth logic." Nothing makes sense except for that weird chemical smell and fleeting feeling of euphoria. 

He also framed pictures of his dogs. He had about 5 framed photos of his dogs and 1 framed photo of his child in the living room. It was so confusing that I thought maybe it wasn't his child. Maybe it was his nephew or something. I asked him.

"That's my son. The love of my life."

"Where does he live?" I asked.

"I don't know. It's been years since I've seen him."

"Are these your dogs?"

"Yeah, those my dogs," he'd say. "Loves of my life."

"Where are they?"

"In my son. He ate them," he said as he proceeded to steal my beard trimmer worth $5 to try and sell for $2 for a down payment on more drugs.

Have you ever seen Zeitgeist or Loose Change? I have. Not willingly. He'd have viewing parties for other stupid people and I'd get stuck watching them or hearing them. Don't bother borrowing a cigarette from my old meth-addicted roommate. He'll remember and charge interest two weeks later when he spends all his money on meth and doesn't have enough money to pay for cigarettes and hasn't yet thought of stealing your beard trimmer.

He used to invite a cello dude over to play the cello and would ask him to try and figure out bass lines in rap songs. Not sure he knew the difference. He also had two trumpets that, when he played, sounded like a kazoo being farted into. He never bothered pawning those off. He was once in a ska band. Trumpets have sentimental value. Other peoples' beard trimmers do not. 

Despite all of his dumb-fuckery, he was a talented tattoo artist. He'd have weird people hang around and wait in line so he could tattoo them in his bedroom. He was also "allergic to dust." It made him sneeze. I'm pretty sure everyone sneezes around dust when it gets in their nose. 

You might think this is an ode to my old roommate. It's not. It's to my fucking beard trimmer. 

Teenagers RULE!

Lately, the DrudgeReport has been reporting on high schoolers protesting their new healthy lunches. It's not filling they say. Not enough cheese they say. Shut up the hell up, children, I say.

I was a teenager once. That doesn't mean I give a shit about what they complain about. I know when school's on vacation when I see teenagers loitering in grocery store parking lots. That should never happen. They should be in school year round and from 9am to 6pm. I would say that we need to compete with China but what I really mean is to keep kids in the prison of their schooling to keep them far away from society.

It must be fun just hanging around all day and listening to a shirtless bum tell you how the Pope is really a reincarnation of Josef Stalin.

They don't like their salads? Tough. No acne riddled little shit likes salad. Nothing like being forced to eat your greens to learn how to love them. You can loiter outside of 7-11 after school anyways while hardworking citizens try to buy beer without being hassled to get you some. Get your Hot Cheetos, you whiners and get the hell out of this empty parking space before I run you over. I need more beer.

Teenagers are kids and they can't vote. This gives us the perfect excuse to not care about anything they say. For Drudge to frame healthy school lunches in a favorable way for teenagers is just obvious political pandering to a constituency that doesn't even exist. Not everything the Democrat does is dictatorial, it's just good sense. Fat kids don't survive in the military when the draft comes along. If you think high school salads are gross, wait until you try army gruel.

Check out Andrew Hilbert's "Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute," at Out of the Gutter Online by clicking here!