Cowboy diplomacy

Howdy, y'all. This here post is to inform you that the wonderful folk down at Out of the Gutter Online posted my goddamn story, "Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute." Click the title or here, or here, or here, or here to read it. 

It's a tale of mystery and intrigue, temptation and murder, donkeys and jack asses. You'll dig it.

There is sadness in my eyes.

Taking Mitt out of Context

Mrs. Our Struggles Weren't Financial Romney says that Mitt was taken out of context when he clearly stated he doesn't care about half of America.

Duh, America! He was in a room full of rich white guys - you gotta have context when accounting for what shit flows from the asshole of Mitt Romney's mouth! The smell of his verbal feces changes from room to room.

Just yesterday he said he hated rich people to room full of poor free loaders! Nobody got any video of that, though! It's unfair. Moneybags Mitt Romney Inc is struggling, NOT FINANCIALLY, but they're just plain struggling with being caught as invertebrates.

Things I've overheard about Romney

I can't vouch for the truth in these statements but I have heard them about Romney.

1. He can suck his own dick. Due to the insane amount of wealth he has accumulated, most days he can just sit around on his back and stare at the ceiling. This gave him the crazy idea to try sucking his own dick. After a few hours, he was successful.

2. He loves peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate milk and fresh squeezed newborn blood.

3. His kids call him Money Bags because he often walks around the house wearing no clothes with $100 bills paper mached to his scrotum.

4. He spent a night in jail for drinking caffeine while watching a rated R movie in Salt Lake City Utah. When he sobered up he begged to not let the story get to press. It never did. Until now.

5. He has no toenails on account of he is an illusion projected from the planet Kolob.

Mitt Romney: I wouldn't turn down Netanyahu for a meeting

Mitt Romney: I wouldn't turn down Netanyahu meeting.

Because you're a fucking wimp, Mitt.

You believe in American supremacy but you're at Netanyahu's every call? You don't have to be pushed around by some guy who just wants to start a war.

I get it. Iran is scary. But they don't have a nuke.

Israel does.

So we can we just keep this pissing match a pissing match rather than letting it blow up to a radiated pissing match?

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Why I have a strong disdain for Mitt Romney

There was a time, early in this election season, when I said, "Once the GOP weeds out all the lunatics, the country will be left with Romney. Romney winning wouldn't be so bad. He's a moderate." Boy, has that time passed.

I mistook spinelessness for centrist. Romney is willing to do and say anything to get people to vote for him.

Abortion - he's been for and against it. I'm not saying the man isn't allowed to change his mind, shit happens. When he was running for MA governor, he was for it because it was politically expedient for him to be. Now that the Republican party's loudest wing is the socially conservative wing, he is against it. When he was running for governor in MA, he publicly distanced himself from Reagan and Bush. Today he acts like he's always worshiped at the altar of Reagan.

There are no new ideas in the Romney campaign. He wants to cut taxes and close loopholes. What loopholes? Get back to him after the election. That's just another way of saying, "I have the courage to cut taxes but lack the balls to close loopholes." He won't cut any loopholes or tax breaks for corporate jets or dancing horses, I assure you of that. He's pro-life but he's going to make having a kid more expensive by cutting the tax break for dependents.

No one's ever asked him to see his birth certificate. Obviously, Mitt Romney. You're white. Barack Obama has a funny name and was born in Hawaii and is black. That was a stupid joke you made but it was clear who you were dog whistling to. You were telling the whites in your party that they could trust you because your values were the same as theirs on account of your skin color. You're a panderer and a narcissist. You also underestimate the decency of the American people with bullshit like that.

He talks about patriotism but spends tons of money hiding more of his money from the government. His fucking yacht flies the Cayman Islands flag. I thought he was a true blooded American who thought this country was the greatest in the world. Obama got shit for forgetting to wear a lapel pin in 2008, Romney gets no shit for hiding his money, hiding his tax returns, and flying another country's flag on his fucking yacht. This guy is rich and he's rubbing it in your faces.

Mitt Romney has been given every leadership position he's attained. He's rich - there's nothing wrong with being rich. But it's one thing to go to school and work at McDonalds to pay for it and it's another thing to "borrow" money from your parents to go to Harvard. I know plenty of rich kids who claim to "borrow" money from their parents but they "have to pay it back." Sure.

Mitt Romney's biography could be that of a super villain. Born rich and sheltered, bought his way to everywhere, never felt failure because you can always buy your way out of it, raided companies to give himself bigger bonuses, got bored because his money couldn't take him any further and decided to run for president. This is the one thing that money still can't buy. It may still be able to buy the office but it can't buy the election.

People still take the vote as sacred in this country and as much as factions of the country dislike Obama, they can't trust Mitt Romney. He's never been 100% on any issue. Ann Romney told me, "I know your struggles." No, you know OF my struggles. If my struggles caused me to sell off some stock, I'd say that owning stock that could get me out of my struggles by selling them in the first place meant I never truly had a struggle.

Mitt Romney - probably a good father. Probably a good husband. Definitely a good financial man. He's dedicated to his version of religious truth. After November, though, he'll return to being just another rich guy.

Movies you don't want to see reviewed by somebody who didn't see them: THE COLD LIGHT OF DUMB EDITION

The Cold Light of Day. I clicked on that title on RottenTomatoes.com because I thought I was going to find some sepia tinted movie poster with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz embracing each other but looking away in the foreground of a desert scene.

No, instead I got some weird blue poster with Bruce Willis not in the center.

The Cold Light of Day is one of those movies that Willis nor his agent read the script for. They saw the title, thought, "Must be French," and signed on immediately. He hung out in Quebec for a few weeks to bone up on some French phrases and headed to the shoot. When he landed in Toronto to film a movie that takes place in Philadelphia, he was surprised to see how heavily armed the actors were. It was at that point he realized he should have at least skimmed the script.

I'm not doing that fucking line. No way. 

"Another fucking Die Hard rip off, eh?" Bruce Willis said to himself. "Fine, I'll do it. But I won't be happy about it."

Off he went, shooting things, kissing things, fucking things, and making the highest budget porn movie that Hollywood ever did green light.

It's not terrible. Every now and then Bruce Willis looks penetratingly into the camera and it gets real awkward for everyone in the theater but as soon as that gaze is over, the camera nearly always cuts to somebody's ankles and they trip and fall - lightens the mood.

I don't know. You should see it if you want to but nobody's forcing you to. It's a weird flick and Toronto looks nothing like Philadelphia and I've never been to either city though I am well acquainted with Hollywood studio representations of both.