I've sat back and watched people comment on this story for about a week now but I do feel it's time to say something as it hits close to home. I grew up in the same town that Christopher Dorner is from.
Chris Dorner is no hero.
He's a cold-blooded murderer.
I see people saying, "It's good that somebody's taking out the trash." I don't know that I'd be saying that if I was the daughter of a lawyer who had "wronged" Dorner. I don't know that I'd be saying that if I was the fiancee of the daughter of the lawyer. I wouldn't be saying that if I were those two because those two are dead. Shot in the back of the head in cold blood. Two people who had probably never met Dorner, probably never knew his name, probably never knew he even existed. He knew they existed because he is a predator, plain and simple.
The world owes Dorner nothing.
If his cause were righteous, there would be no innocent blood spilled. He could have pursued legal means, he could have pursued media attention, instead he chose violence.
I see plenty of anti-war liberals saying that Dorner has a "point." Your bullshit has now been called. Our governments are reflections of our societies so if you're against war and violence, it's time to start speaking out against it in your own country, in your own states, in your own cities. We will never have peace on a global scale without peace on a community scale.
The LAPD are no angels. They are brutal at times, they deserve to be called out and cleaned out through legal means, but if you are crying out against one instance of police brutality and you go around targeting innocent people, you have NO moral argument. You are every bit as bad as the enemies you are warring against.
Every mad man has a manifesto that he believes absolves him of all guilt for his actions. The joke's on you if you fall for that.
Why is it that some people are so quick to take this guy at his word? Do we know what actually happened? I suspect these are people who simply hate cops and want to see as many dead cops as possible regardless of who's doing it.
This is not the "cool" opinion to have but, here's a newsflash, cops are human beings. They have families, they have people who love and hate them, they hate and love just as anybody else. Not every cop is crooked. So enough of this bullshit. This guy got fired over circumstances that are largely unknown to the public. We only have one side of the story and that side is coming from a guy who supports gun control but is going around shooting people vaguely connected to his troubles with guns. He wrote a 20 page manifesto that, at one point, compliments the First Lady's new hairstyle. If you take that kind of shit at its word the first time you hear it, you need to strengthen your bullshit detectors.
The LAPD isn't a shining beacon on a hill. They shot up a truck that matched the suspect's and two innocent ladies were shot. They do need to clean house and treat their citizens better. Christopher Dorner is not the man to lead that charge. He is a cold blooded murderer and I have absolutely no sympathy for him. He has no honor and he believes the world owes him something because he believes he is something more than the world.
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
North Korea's karaoke video from Hell
North Korea has officially stooped to cyber bullying which is the only resort for cowards and leaders who steal food from their people to spend money on shitty karaoke videos proclaiming that they will destroy the United States.
The North Korean government is not legitimate. It is a rabid dog kept on a long leash by China because China does not want a flood of refugees if the North Korean government fails.
I'm starting to doubt that the North Koreans even have a working nuclear weapon. Most countries don't make music videos threatening other countries with them. Most countries threaten other countries by the simple virtue that they have them. I don't know which apocalyptic meltdown scenario I prefer.
When the history of Earth is written by space aliens from the Pleiades, will they say that civilization was destroyed by a man who loves American music and making 3am call spoof music videos?
There are no solutions to this problem. We labeled North Korea part of the Axis of Evil, then we attacked Iraq. Iran and North Korea took note: The United States only attacks countries without nuclear weapons. They did the logical thing and pursued a weapons program.
The difference between Iran and North Korea is that Iran is actually a semi-responsible government ruling over a country that is well-educated and has the most web-connected citizens in their region. It is not in Iran's interest to blow up other countries because they do business with quite a few of them.
North Korea is the Cartman of the world. It demands to be fed because they can't feed themselves. Other nations, nations that North Korea threatens with destruction on a daily basis, sends food meant for their starving people. Most of that food is stolen by the ruling class in Pyongyang while the rest of North Korea starves. North Korea has no interest in the consequences of nuclear war. They have no consequences; they're already the most isolated nation in the world that is driven by a cult-worship of one family. There are no ideals behind their rhetoric. The Kim dynasty is in power for power's sake and nothing else.
And the world can't do a damn thing about it because North Korea has nuclear weapons and they will use them if backed into a corner of life-and-death.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
The worst part of Rick Perry's State of the State Address
Particularly.
Granted, particularly is a particularly hard word to say clearly. It's much harder than nuclear.
Rick Perry says particularly like his tongue had just spent five hours licking cocaine out of a coyote's asshole.
He said something about the rainy day fund and using funds to fix Texas' water situation. That was good.
He said something about education funding.
He said something about how Texas doesn't fund art at all but it's thriving. Which is true on both points. Not lying there.
But, dammit, he said particularly in a particularly peculiar manner and I just couldn't hear anything else.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Fuck AIG
Sometimes it's hard coming up with a post title but this one was easy as all Hell.
AIG is a collective of fuckers. They spend their days sucking each other's toes while masturbating and cleaning up their mess with $200 billion worth of dollar bills provided by the American taxpayer.
How great would it be to tank the economy, be bailed out by the taxpayer, and then turn around and sue the taxpayer for the terms being unfair?
They're goddamn right it was unfair. It was unfair to bail their asses out while hard working citizens can't find jobs. They got a sweet deal. Take it and grovel at our feet. Instead their dropping their boxers and taking a shit all over us.
All that being said, they're just thinking about joining a lawsuit saying the terms of the bailout were unfair. For them to even consider that kind of bullshit is a joke.
We let massive banks loot the treasury and poor people still have to beg to get $200 worth of food stamps a month. It's a joke.
FUCK AIG.
AIG is a collective of fuckers. They spend their days sucking each other's toes while masturbating and cleaning up their mess with $200 billion worth of dollar bills provided by the American taxpayer.
How great would it be to tank the economy, be bailed out by the taxpayer, and then turn around and sue the taxpayer for the terms being unfair?
They're goddamn right it was unfair. It was unfair to bail their asses out while hard working citizens can't find jobs. They got a sweet deal. Take it and grovel at our feet. Instead their dropping their boxers and taking a shit all over us.
All that being said, they're just thinking about joining a lawsuit saying the terms of the bailout were unfair. For them to even consider that kind of bullshit is a joke.
We let massive banks loot the treasury and poor people still have to beg to get $200 worth of food stamps a month. It's a joke.
FUCK AIG.
Say what you will, proletariat, I'm wiping my ass with this tonight!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
The NRA, the 1st Amendment, and the 2nd Amendment
I'm not one of those people who doesn't acknowledge that the 2nd Amendment exists. It does, we live with it. The right to bear arms isn't a free-for-all, though.
I can't get anti-aircraft weapons. That's good. I can't get a bazooka. I can't get a tank. These are all reasonable restrictions.
The chatter right now is that the NRA is poised to blame video games and the entertainment industry for the violent culture they've created that's contributed to mass shootings.
This is ridiculous.
Just because the 20 year old man who killed innocent people played video games does not mean that video games are at fault. I can tell you right now that an Xbox controller makes a terrible weapon.
The 1st Amendment comes absolute first for a reason: it is the most important one to a successful democracy. The video game industry self polices itself quite fine, actually. I have a full beard and am obviously too old to be asked for ID before I buy a Mature rated video game but guess what? I get carded. In fact, I get carded more for purchasing a video game than I do for buying alcohol. Why is that? It's because the video game industry polices retailers and educates retailers about the rating system so that little kids can't easily buy a shoot 'em up.
Why can't the NRA look itself in the mirror and agree that similar restrictions should be applied to guns? Responsible gun ownership implies hoops to jump through. A video game is not a weapon. It is an artistic expression sold for pleasure. It's intent is to entertain. A gun's intent is to kill or destroy.
I've met many responsible gun owners. When I was in the Midwest, I went to a shooting range that was closed. The gentleman who manned the store told us that the first rule of a gun is, "Do not point it at something in which you do not intend to kill or destroy." That tells you right there the implied uses of a gun.
For the NRA to presumably come out swinging against the 1st Amendment as if it is an integral piece of the puzzle that causes mass shootings is a joke. Almost every person I know plays video games, reads violent pulp stories and novels, watches action movies with great enjoyment. None of these people are violent murderers.
The truth is that when guns are easily accessible to anyone, bad things happen. A video game has never been a weapon of mass murder. A gun has time and time again.
I do not advocate banning firearms outright but there are some common sense restrictions that, if you are a responsible gun owner, should be no skin off your back.
A waiting period. An extensive background check. Mandatory education about safety for guns. Banning the sale of automatic rifles. Limiting the number of bullets in a clip. These are all reasonable and still preserves the right to bear arms.
For all the hoo-ra-ra that comes out of the NRA, they are opposed to almost all of these and do little to advocate for firearms education. Instead of looking themselves in the mirror, it appears they are readying to blame video games and entertainment for the shooting. This is irresponsible.
America needs to look at its mental health policies and it needs to look at its gun policies and make some real changes but blaming freedom of speech and expression for murder? That's a bridge too far. If you're a responsible person, you would recognize that guns make murder a hell of a lot easier. Not only 'bad people' go out and commit crimes. Regular people snap and go crazy, too. It's time to stop scapegoating and start soul searching.
I can't get anti-aircraft weapons. That's good. I can't get a bazooka. I can't get a tank. These are all reasonable restrictions.
The chatter right now is that the NRA is poised to blame video games and the entertainment industry for the violent culture they've created that's contributed to mass shootings.
This is ridiculous.
Just because the 20 year old man who killed innocent people played video games does not mean that video games are at fault. I can tell you right now that an Xbox controller makes a terrible weapon.
The 1st Amendment comes absolute first for a reason: it is the most important one to a successful democracy. The video game industry self polices itself quite fine, actually. I have a full beard and am obviously too old to be asked for ID before I buy a Mature rated video game but guess what? I get carded. In fact, I get carded more for purchasing a video game than I do for buying alcohol. Why is that? It's because the video game industry polices retailers and educates retailers about the rating system so that little kids can't easily buy a shoot 'em up.
Why can't the NRA look itself in the mirror and agree that similar restrictions should be applied to guns? Responsible gun ownership implies hoops to jump through. A video game is not a weapon. It is an artistic expression sold for pleasure. It's intent is to entertain. A gun's intent is to kill or destroy.
I've met many responsible gun owners. When I was in the Midwest, I went to a shooting range that was closed. The gentleman who manned the store told us that the first rule of a gun is, "Do not point it at something in which you do not intend to kill or destroy." That tells you right there the implied uses of a gun.
For the NRA to presumably come out swinging against the 1st Amendment as if it is an integral piece of the puzzle that causes mass shootings is a joke. Almost every person I know plays video games, reads violent pulp stories and novels, watches action movies with great enjoyment. None of these people are violent murderers.
The truth is that when guns are easily accessible to anyone, bad things happen. A video game has never been a weapon of mass murder. A gun has time and time again.
I do not advocate banning firearms outright but there are some common sense restrictions that, if you are a responsible gun owner, should be no skin off your back.
A waiting period. An extensive background check. Mandatory education about safety for guns. Banning the sale of automatic rifles. Limiting the number of bullets in a clip. These are all reasonable and still preserves the right to bear arms.
For all the hoo-ra-ra that comes out of the NRA, they are opposed to almost all of these and do little to advocate for firearms education. Instead of looking themselves in the mirror, it appears they are readying to blame video games and entertainment for the shooting. This is irresponsible.
America needs to look at its mental health policies and it needs to look at its gun policies and make some real changes but blaming freedom of speech and expression for murder? That's a bridge too far. If you're a responsible person, you would recognize that guns make murder a hell of a lot easier. Not only 'bad people' go out and commit crimes. Regular people snap and go crazy, too. It's time to stop scapegoating and start soul searching.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Violence, Tragedy, and Gun Control
The United States has been plagued with mass shootings this year and it's time to start talking about what is causing it. Our society cannot continue its self-destructive path.
Too many times, I've heard people say, "Gun control doesn't work because criminals will always have guns."
I suspect that today's shooter in Newtown, CT was not a 'criminal' and probably obtained his guns legally. Let's remember that the people who lost their lives today were not gang members killing each other. It was one man who decided to kill 20 children and 6 adults. They were not deserving of their deaths, they didn't join a life where dying by the gun is an acceptable end. They were going to school.
I live in a state (Texas) where anyone can get a gun in under an hour. This is unacceptable. There is a right to bear arms but that doesn't mean that we have to get them as soon as we want them. Responsible gun owners would be perfectly fine with regulation; that's part of what responsibility entails. If you want a gun, why shouldn't you have to wait for weeks or even months to be approved for purchase?
To drive, you have to go through months of training. There's no such federal law mandating that kind of training for driving but states know that cars are killing machines and long periods of training are necessary before handing out licenses. Guns should be treated the same way. There is no other reason for a gun but to kill or destroy. If you are protecting your house, that's fine. But let's call it what it is. You are in possession of a gun for protection and the means of that protection is to kill the intruder. It is a killing machine.
"Guns don't kill people, people kill people." I'm sick of that cliche. If the shooter had a knife rather than a gun, the scale of his massacre would be no where comparable.
You romantic revolutionaries, pretending that guns are necessary to protect against tyranny: You're wrong. You already have a weapon to protect against tyranny. In fact, you have many: peaceful assembly, freedom of speech, the right to vote, to name a few. What worked for rural colonies no longer works today. Your poster boy, Thomas Jefferson, even acknowledged that constitutions must change otherwise they impose their own tyrannies. The right to bear arms, unregulated, unchecked, is not compatible with our society. It worked when the threat of invasion from the British was real. It worked when people weren't packed like sardines into cities. It worked when not every city had its own armed police force. It worked when there was no national army. We have progressed past the point of that necessity. It is no longer valid.
When you say, "America has a violent history." You're right, but no more violent than any other country. The story of Europe is a story of violence and war, yet they do not have the same problems we do when it comes to citizens killing each other. Our past is no more nor no less violent than any other country. Our present is more violent than most. The madness needs to end.
There are a ton of people, their hearts pointed in the right direction, who waste energy protesting against war. It is any wonder why countries go to war? Just look at the societies they are built on. We are a violent people, we are full of rage, and we are full of pettiness and until we can start treating each other with respect and patience on a personal level, we will always have war on a global scale. We are tearing each other apart from the very bottom, how can we expect our leaders to be any different?
My thoughts are with all of the victims today and I hope that we can make a serious effort to limit the risks of having a government that believes the right to own a gun, unregulated, is greater than the right to live free of fear.
Too many times, I've heard people say, "Gun control doesn't work because criminals will always have guns."
I suspect that today's shooter in Newtown, CT was not a 'criminal' and probably obtained his guns legally. Let's remember that the people who lost their lives today were not gang members killing each other. It was one man who decided to kill 20 children and 6 adults. They were not deserving of their deaths, they didn't join a life where dying by the gun is an acceptable end. They were going to school.
I live in a state (Texas) where anyone can get a gun in under an hour. This is unacceptable. There is a right to bear arms but that doesn't mean that we have to get them as soon as we want them. Responsible gun owners would be perfectly fine with regulation; that's part of what responsibility entails. If you want a gun, why shouldn't you have to wait for weeks or even months to be approved for purchase?
To drive, you have to go through months of training. There's no such federal law mandating that kind of training for driving but states know that cars are killing machines and long periods of training are necessary before handing out licenses. Guns should be treated the same way. There is no other reason for a gun but to kill or destroy. If you are protecting your house, that's fine. But let's call it what it is. You are in possession of a gun for protection and the means of that protection is to kill the intruder. It is a killing machine.
"Guns don't kill people, people kill people." I'm sick of that cliche. If the shooter had a knife rather than a gun, the scale of his massacre would be no where comparable.
You romantic revolutionaries, pretending that guns are necessary to protect against tyranny: You're wrong. You already have a weapon to protect against tyranny. In fact, you have many: peaceful assembly, freedom of speech, the right to vote, to name a few. What worked for rural colonies no longer works today. Your poster boy, Thomas Jefferson, even acknowledged that constitutions must change otherwise they impose their own tyrannies. The right to bear arms, unregulated, unchecked, is not compatible with our society. It worked when the threat of invasion from the British was real. It worked when people weren't packed like sardines into cities. It worked when not every city had its own armed police force. It worked when there was no national army. We have progressed past the point of that necessity. It is no longer valid.
When you say, "America has a violent history." You're right, but no more violent than any other country. The story of Europe is a story of violence and war, yet they do not have the same problems we do when it comes to citizens killing each other. Our past is no more nor no less violent than any other country. Our present is more violent than most. The madness needs to end.
There are a ton of people, their hearts pointed in the right direction, who waste energy protesting against war. It is any wonder why countries go to war? Just look at the societies they are built on. We are a violent people, we are full of rage, and we are full of pettiness and until we can start treating each other with respect and patience on a personal level, we will always have war on a global scale. We are tearing each other apart from the very bottom, how can we expect our leaders to be any different?
My thoughts are with all of the victims today and I hope that we can make a serious effort to limit the risks of having a government that believes the right to own a gun, unregulated, is greater than the right to live free of fear.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Get out and fuckin' vote
Good morning, America.
Today is the only day that is important in your duty as an American citizen. You live in this country, you're given the right to express your political desire, and your voice fuckin' matters.
Fry your bacon, scramble your eggs, finish off your coffee, get into your car/on your bike/into the bus, and get to a goddamned polling station. Get a sticker that says you voted and put it on your shirt. Parade around town telling other people to vote and prepare for some serious partying or crying tonight.
This isn't football or basketball or baseball. This isn't some willy-nilly thing to do if the mood is right. It is an election and in a country where church and state don't mix, it is the only sacred duty you have.
I won't tell you how to vote but I will tell you how I voted: his name starts with a B and ends with arack Obama.
The first vote I ever cast was in the Democratic primary and it was for Howard Dean. Embarrassing? Maybe a little. My second presidential vote ever cast was for John Kerry and I'm grateful that I got to vote for him because he shot Obama out of obscurity and into the national scene. I remember watching Obama's speech at the DNC and thinking, "Holy crap." Then he ran against the Clinton machine and won. My house was a house divided. Half of the registered voters voted for Clinton and the other half (myself included) voted Obama.
There are many things about Obama that unnerve me but there's a whole lot more that make me immensely proud. Barack Obama has proven that he is a steady and capable leader and he definitely deserves four more years.
I've said this many times but I will say it again. Romney is an Etch-a-Sketch toy. His people have said it themselves. I respect my opposition when they have actual positions. I may never vote for one of them but hell, at least I know they stand somewhere. Romney is like a kayaker who is constantly shifting his weight to stay afloat. If he leans too far to the right, he immediately has to shift to the left, back and forth, over and over again. I got news for you, that fucking kayak is going to tip over.
Go out and vote, dammit.
I leave you with Jimi Hendrix.
Today is the only day that is important in your duty as an American citizen. You live in this country, you're given the right to express your political desire, and your voice fuckin' matters.
Fry your bacon, scramble your eggs, finish off your coffee, get into your car/on your bike/into the bus, and get to a goddamned polling station. Get a sticker that says you voted and put it on your shirt. Parade around town telling other people to vote and prepare for some serious partying or crying tonight.
This isn't football or basketball or baseball. This isn't some willy-nilly thing to do if the mood is right. It is an election and in a country where church and state don't mix, it is the only sacred duty you have.
I won't tell you how to vote but I will tell you how I voted: his name starts with a B and ends with arack Obama.
The first vote I ever cast was in the Democratic primary and it was for Howard Dean. Embarrassing? Maybe a little. My second presidential vote ever cast was for John Kerry and I'm grateful that I got to vote for him because he shot Obama out of obscurity and into the national scene. I remember watching Obama's speech at the DNC and thinking, "Holy crap." Then he ran against the Clinton machine and won. My house was a house divided. Half of the registered voters voted for Clinton and the other half (myself included) voted Obama.
There are many things about Obama that unnerve me but there's a whole lot more that make me immensely proud. Barack Obama has proven that he is a steady and capable leader and he definitely deserves four more years.
I've said this many times but I will say it again. Romney is an Etch-a-Sketch toy. His people have said it themselves. I respect my opposition when they have actual positions. I may never vote for one of them but hell, at least I know they stand somewhere. Romney is like a kayaker who is constantly shifting his weight to stay afloat. If he leans too far to the right, he immediately has to shift to the left, back and forth, over and over again. I got news for you, that fucking kayak is going to tip over.
Go out and vote, dammit.
I leave you with Jimi Hendrix.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I do not want to make a political post
It's been a hell of a long time since I've posted anything. My last post was about Ronald McDonald for God's sake. Since then, tons of shit has happened during the campaign. I will speak of none of them.
Let me say this, November 6th is coming. I can't fucking wait until the day after when I'll be dealing with hangover depression or hangover jubilation. I'm buying two bottles for the outcomes. One bottle of champagne and one bottle of the most liver scarring whiskey I can find (likely in a plastic bottle).
Hear you me, BOTH bottles will be extinguished no matter what the outcome it's just the order in which they will be and the amount of tears that go into each bottle.
I'm not stupid. The world won't end if MITTbot 2000 wins but the world will be that much closer to the singularity. If a robot can win the presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth, humans are done. What happens when his circuits fry? There's only so many times a computer can change its "mind."
Let me say this, November 6th is coming. I can't fucking wait until the day after when I'll be dealing with hangover depression or hangover jubilation. I'm buying two bottles for the outcomes. One bottle of champagne and one bottle of the most liver scarring whiskey I can find (likely in a plastic bottle).
Hear you me, BOTH bottles will be extinguished no matter what the outcome it's just the order in which they will be and the amount of tears that go into each bottle.
I'm not stupid. The world won't end if MITTbot 2000 wins but the world will be that much closer to the singularity. If a robot can win the presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth, humans are done. What happens when his circuits fry? There's only so many times a computer can change its "mind."
"Step the fuck away from the caviar, slave."
Say what you will about Joe Biden, at least he's not a douche bag who thought the above was a good idea. Robots have no sense of decency which is why we have Paul Ryan practicing his putting-down-the-proletariat pose for when he gets to move into the Quadrilateral Office (the VP's equivalent of the Oval Office).
I can't wait until I can stop making nervous jokes about Romney and just start flat out pointing and laughing at the loser. Hopefully. That's the outcome and reality I want. Don't make me pop the champagne second.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I know how to solve the education funding problem
America, you need me.
I watched some documentary narrated by Matt Damon the other day. It depressed me. Teachers don't get paid well but they work hard. Teachers have to buy pens and pencils and other supplies for their kids because schools can't afford it. School funding gets slashed frequently for more necessary things like killing enemy combatants.
Obama talks about winning the future by increasing funding for science and math. This is a good start. This equips kids with skills that can be translated into the profitable endeavor of working for Boeing to create death vaporizers that orbit Earth. But why invest in the future when we can start now? My solution ensures that teachers will get paid more, schools will be better funded, and our enemies will be pissing their pants.
Every school should have a weapons making factory.
Kids will benefit from real world experience on an assembly line. The kids that "get" the math and science will be the future blue print makers while the kids that fail have a pretty sweet resume that will practically guarantee a job swinging a hammer at a missile.
The military could make sweetheart deals with weapons manufacturers -- free child labor in exchange for supplying the school with adequate tools to teach kids things. We're a country in a constant state of war, training the next bomb makers at every level is a hell of a deal for America.
Do they need iPads in the classroom? Do they want iPads in the classroom? Why not? The Patriot missiles are coming out of the factories at record low costs -- throw the kids some cheese for their efforts. Dry erase board markers would practically be a given.
Teachers wouldn't complain about working long hours because they would be paid as much as physicians. Kids wouldn't complain about going to school because bombs fucking rule. Who needs recess when you're learning how to make bunker busters and how to guide missiles with an Xbox controller?
This is a win-win for everybody, America. Let's do it!
I watched some documentary narrated by Matt Damon the other day. It depressed me. Teachers don't get paid well but they work hard. Teachers have to buy pens and pencils and other supplies for their kids because schools can't afford it. School funding gets slashed frequently for more necessary things like killing enemy combatants.
Obama talks about winning the future by increasing funding for science and math. This is a good start. This equips kids with skills that can be translated into the profitable endeavor of working for Boeing to create death vaporizers that orbit Earth. But why invest in the future when we can start now? My solution ensures that teachers will get paid more, schools will be better funded, and our enemies will be pissing their pants.
Every school should have a weapons making factory.
Kids will benefit from real world experience on an assembly line. The kids that "get" the math and science will be the future blue print makers while the kids that fail have a pretty sweet resume that will practically guarantee a job swinging a hammer at a missile.
Always wear dish washing gloves when preparing the napalm, Jimmy!
The military could make sweetheart deals with weapons manufacturers -- free child labor in exchange for supplying the school with adequate tools to teach kids things. We're a country in a constant state of war, training the next bomb makers at every level is a hell of a deal for America.
Do they need iPads in the classroom? Do they want iPads in the classroom? Why not? The Patriot missiles are coming out of the factories at record low costs -- throw the kids some cheese for their efforts. Dry erase board markers would practically be a given.
Total cost: giving into some teachers demands about not having enough No. 2 pencils for her students to complete standardized tests.
Teachers wouldn't complain about working long hours because they would be paid as much as physicians. Kids wouldn't complain about going to school because bombs fucking rule. Who needs recess when you're learning how to make bunker busters and how to guide missiles with an Xbox controller?
This is a win-win for everybody, America. Let's do it!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Treehouse of Horror XXIII
Thanks, Obama.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Paul Ryan's thoughts
Fuck you, bro. I forgot my towel. YOU wipe it down.
Give me some pumping space, dog.
Are you taking a picture? Fuck you, bro. I'm just sitting here trying to look cool.
You don't like this red hat? Fuck you, the guy who spots me doesn't like my blue hat.
Hell yeah, I wear Saucony. What do you wear? Huaraches? Please.
I like cross fit. I hate fat, ugly, horrendous, poor people. Fuck you.
For every Ayn Rand, there's a male spotter telling her to breathe. Fuck you, dumbshit.
Let me tell you about the Mitt Romney I know. This is a guy who believes he will be God of his own planet some day.
When I'm not posing for Time Magazine, I'm in my lifted truck wearing Tapout t-shirts, drinking Monster, and calling women bitches while I drive. FUCK YEAH.
Do you listen to Nickelback? No? You don't know what you're missing.
I hang out with guys with big muscles and when my wife asks me where I've been all night, I ignore her and drink another beer and tell her to shut the hell up and rub my feet.
I come from Wisconsin and I like cheese and I like when my bros don't point out that I'm actually lactose intolerant. Obama and his death panel squads won't recognize it for the life altering bullshit that that is.
My eyebrows are thick.
No words
Is this the kind of guy you want working out near you much less one Zoltron Calling away from running your country?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Teenagers RULE!
Lately, the DrudgeReport has been reporting on high schoolers protesting their new healthy lunches. It's not filling they say. Not enough cheese they say. Shut up the hell up, children, I say.
I was a teenager once. That doesn't mean I give a shit about what they complain about. I know when school's on vacation when I see teenagers loitering in grocery store parking lots. That should never happen. They should be in school year round and from 9am to 6pm. I would say that we need to compete with China but what I really mean is to keep kids in the prison of their schooling to keep them far away from society.
They don't like their salads? Tough. No acne riddled little shit likes salad. Nothing like being forced to eat your greens to learn how to love them. You can loiter outside of 7-11 after school anyways while hardworking citizens try to buy beer without being hassled to get you some. Get your Hot Cheetos, you whiners and get the hell out of this empty parking space before I run you over. I need more beer.
Teenagers are kids and they can't vote. This gives us the perfect excuse to not care about anything they say. For Drudge to frame healthy school lunches in a favorable way for teenagers is just obvious political pandering to a constituency that doesn't even exist. Not everything the Democrat does is dictatorial, it's just good sense. Fat kids don't survive in the military when the draft comes along. If you think high school salads are gross, wait until you try army gruel.
Check out Andrew Hilbert's "Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute," at Out of the Gutter Online by clicking here!
I was a teenager once. That doesn't mean I give a shit about what they complain about. I know when school's on vacation when I see teenagers loitering in grocery store parking lots. That should never happen. They should be in school year round and from 9am to 6pm. I would say that we need to compete with China but what I really mean is to keep kids in the prison of their schooling to keep them far away from society.
It must be fun just hanging around all day and listening to a shirtless bum tell you how the Pope is really a reincarnation of Josef Stalin.
They don't like their salads? Tough. No acne riddled little shit likes salad. Nothing like being forced to eat your greens to learn how to love them. You can loiter outside of 7-11 after school anyways while hardworking citizens try to buy beer without being hassled to get you some. Get your Hot Cheetos, you whiners and get the hell out of this empty parking space before I run you over. I need more beer.
Teenagers are kids and they can't vote. This gives us the perfect excuse to not care about anything they say. For Drudge to frame healthy school lunches in a favorable way for teenagers is just obvious political pandering to a constituency that doesn't even exist. Not everything the Democrat does is dictatorial, it's just good sense. Fat kids don't survive in the military when the draft comes along. If you think high school salads are gross, wait until you try army gruel.
Check out Andrew Hilbert's "Two Cowboys Settle a Dispute," at Out of the Gutter Online by clicking here!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Taking Mitt out of Context
Mrs. Our Struggles Weren't Financial Romney says that Mitt was taken out of context when he clearly stated he doesn't care about half of America.
Duh, America! He was in a room full of rich white guys - you gotta have context when accounting for what shit flows from the asshole of Mitt Romney's mouth! The smell of his verbal feces changes from room to room.
Just yesterday he said he hated rich people to room full of poor free loaders! Nobody got any video of that, though! It's unfair. Moneybags Mitt Romney Inc is struggling, NOT FINANCIALLY, but they're just plain struggling with being caught as invertebrates.
Duh, America! He was in a room full of rich white guys - you gotta have context when accounting for what shit flows from the asshole of Mitt Romney's mouth! The smell of his verbal feces changes from room to room.
Just yesterday he said he hated rich people to room full of poor free loaders! Nobody got any video of that, though! It's unfair. Moneybags Mitt Romney Inc is struggling, NOT FINANCIALLY, but they're just plain struggling with being caught as invertebrates.
Things I've overheard about Romney
I can't vouch for the truth in these statements but I have heard them about Romney.
1. He can suck his own dick. Due to the insane amount of wealth he has accumulated, most days he can just sit around on his back and stare at the ceiling. This gave him the crazy idea to try sucking his own dick. After a few hours, he was successful.
2. He loves peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate milk and fresh squeezed newborn blood.
3. His kids call him Money Bags because he often walks around the house wearing no clothes with $100 bills paper mached to his scrotum.
4. He spent a night in jail for drinking caffeine while watching a rated R movie in Salt Lake City Utah. When he sobered up he begged to not let the story get to press. It never did. Until now.
5. He has no toenails on account of he is an illusion projected from the planet Kolob.
1. He can suck his own dick. Due to the insane amount of wealth he has accumulated, most days he can just sit around on his back and stare at the ceiling. This gave him the crazy idea to try sucking his own dick. After a few hours, he was successful.
2. He loves peanut butter sandwiches and chocolate milk and fresh squeezed newborn blood.
3. His kids call him Money Bags because he often walks around the house wearing no clothes with $100 bills paper mached to his scrotum.
4. He spent a night in jail for drinking caffeine while watching a rated R movie in Salt Lake City Utah. When he sobered up he begged to not let the story get to press. It never did. Until now.
5. He has no toenails on account of he is an illusion projected from the planet Kolob.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Mitt Romney: I wouldn't turn down Netanyahu for a meeting
Mitt Romney: I wouldn't turn down Netanyahu meeting.
Because you're a fucking wimp, Mitt.
You believe in American supremacy but you're at Netanyahu's every call? You don't have to be pushed around by some guy who just wants to start a war.
I get it. Iran is scary. But they don't have a nuke.
Israel does.
So we can we just keep this pissing match a pissing match rather than letting it blow up to a radiated pissing match?
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Why I have a strong disdain for Mitt Romney
There was a time, early in this election season, when I said, "Once the GOP weeds out all the lunatics, the country will be left with Romney. Romney winning wouldn't be so bad. He's a moderate." Boy, has that time passed.
I mistook spinelessness for centrist. Romney is willing to do and say anything to get people to vote for him.
Abortion - he's been for and against it. I'm not saying the man isn't allowed to change his mind, shit happens. When he was running for MA governor, he was for it because it was politically expedient for him to be. Now that the Republican party's loudest wing is the socially conservative wing, he is against it. When he was running for governor in MA, he publicly distanced himself from Reagan and Bush. Today he acts like he's always worshiped at the altar of Reagan.
There are no new ideas in the Romney campaign. He wants to cut taxes and close loopholes. What loopholes? Get back to him after the election. That's just another way of saying, "I have the courage to cut taxes but lack the balls to close loopholes." He won't cut any loopholes or tax breaks for corporate jets or dancing horses, I assure you of that. He's pro-life but he's going to make having a kid more expensive by cutting the tax break for dependents.
No one's ever asked him to see his birth certificate. Obviously, Mitt Romney. You're white. Barack Obama has a funny name and was born in Hawaii and is black. That was a stupid joke you made but it was clear who you were dog whistling to. You were telling the whites in your party that they could trust you because your values were the same as theirs on account of your skin color. You're a panderer and a narcissist. You also underestimate the decency of the American people with bullshit like that.
He talks about patriotism but spends tons of money hiding more of his money from the government. His fucking yacht flies the Cayman Islands flag. I thought he was a true blooded American who thought this country was the greatest in the world. Obama got shit for forgetting to wear a lapel pin in 2008, Romney gets no shit for hiding his money, hiding his tax returns, and flying another country's flag on his fucking yacht. This guy is rich and he's rubbing it in your faces.
Mitt Romney has been given every leadership position he's attained. He's rich - there's nothing wrong with being rich. But it's one thing to go to school and work at McDonalds to pay for it and it's another thing to "borrow" money from your parents to go to Harvard. I know plenty of rich kids who claim to "borrow" money from their parents but they "have to pay it back." Sure.
Mitt Romney's biography could be that of a super villain. Born rich and sheltered, bought his way to everywhere, never felt failure because you can always buy your way out of it, raided companies to give himself bigger bonuses, got bored because his money couldn't take him any further and decided to run for president. This is the one thing that money still can't buy. It may still be able to buy the office but it can't buy the election.
People still take the vote as sacred in this country and as much as factions of the country dislike Obama, they can't trust Mitt Romney. He's never been 100% on any issue. Ann Romney told me, "I know your struggles." No, you know OF my struggles. If my struggles caused me to sell off some stock, I'd say that owning stock that could get me out of my struggles by selling them in the first place meant I never truly had a struggle.
Mitt Romney - probably a good father. Probably a good husband. Definitely a good financial man. He's dedicated to his version of religious truth. After November, though, he'll return to being just another rich guy.
I mistook spinelessness for centrist. Romney is willing to do and say anything to get people to vote for him.
Abortion - he's been for and against it. I'm not saying the man isn't allowed to change his mind, shit happens. When he was running for MA governor, he was for it because it was politically expedient for him to be. Now that the Republican party's loudest wing is the socially conservative wing, he is against it. When he was running for governor in MA, he publicly distanced himself from Reagan and Bush. Today he acts like he's always worshiped at the altar of Reagan.
There are no new ideas in the Romney campaign. He wants to cut taxes and close loopholes. What loopholes? Get back to him after the election. That's just another way of saying, "I have the courage to cut taxes but lack the balls to close loopholes." He won't cut any loopholes or tax breaks for corporate jets or dancing horses, I assure you of that. He's pro-life but he's going to make having a kid more expensive by cutting the tax break for dependents.
No one's ever asked him to see his birth certificate. Obviously, Mitt Romney. You're white. Barack Obama has a funny name and was born in Hawaii and is black. That was a stupid joke you made but it was clear who you were dog whistling to. You were telling the whites in your party that they could trust you because your values were the same as theirs on account of your skin color. You're a panderer and a narcissist. You also underestimate the decency of the American people with bullshit like that.
He talks about patriotism but spends tons of money hiding more of his money from the government. His fucking yacht flies the Cayman Islands flag. I thought he was a true blooded American who thought this country was the greatest in the world. Obama got shit for forgetting to wear a lapel pin in 2008, Romney gets no shit for hiding his money, hiding his tax returns, and flying another country's flag on his fucking yacht. This guy is rich and he's rubbing it in your faces.
Mitt Romney has been given every leadership position he's attained. He's rich - there's nothing wrong with being rich. But it's one thing to go to school and work at McDonalds to pay for it and it's another thing to "borrow" money from your parents to go to Harvard. I know plenty of rich kids who claim to "borrow" money from their parents but they "have to pay it back." Sure.
Mitt Romney's biography could be that of a super villain. Born rich and sheltered, bought his way to everywhere, never felt failure because you can always buy your way out of it, raided companies to give himself bigger bonuses, got bored because his money couldn't take him any further and decided to run for president. This is the one thing that money still can't buy. It may still be able to buy the office but it can't buy the election.
People still take the vote as sacred in this country and as much as factions of the country dislike Obama, they can't trust Mitt Romney. He's never been 100% on any issue. Ann Romney told me, "I know your struggles." No, you know OF my struggles. If my struggles caused me to sell off some stock, I'd say that owning stock that could get me out of my struggles by selling them in the first place meant I never truly had a struggle.
Mitt Romney - probably a good father. Probably a good husband. Definitely a good financial man. He's dedicated to his version of religious truth. After November, though, he'll return to being just another rich guy.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Reason 07: Obama knows what a yurt is
I'm in Mongolia in a yurt. I'd much prefer to be at home writing this in my boxers and socks but thank God my handlers found a yurt with internet access. In Mongolia.
I prefer my presidents to be like me, understanding the world because we're rich enough and have ample leisure time to stay in yurts in Mongolia. My agent hired someone to write this for me. Thanks, Dave Eggers!
Hopefully I can catch a flight back home tonight so I can clock in on time for my minimum wage job. Ha! Just kidding. I'm an actor.
I prefer my presidents to be like me, understanding the world because we're rich enough and have ample leisure time to stay in yurts in Mongolia. My agent hired someone to write this for me. Thanks, Dave Eggers!
Hopefully I can catch a flight back home tonight so I can clock in on time for my minimum wage job. Ha! Just kidding. I'm an actor.
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